AMENDMENT I
Fans are allowed to leave whenever they wish.
You dont have to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just dont care. No, its their job to entertain you, and if youre bored, or you want to beat traffic, or you have to go study for that Advanced Basketweaving midterm, then you go right ahead and leave whenever you darn-well please. You paid for the ticket, or even if you didnt, you can do what you want. This isnt Russia. Is this Russia?
However
Fans, you have to show up to the garbage games, too. Anyone can get pumped up for the big rivalry game, or the showdown against the top five powerhouse, but what about the cupcake FCS date? Your school is trying to give you a win to enjoy the lake has been stocked for your enjoyment. If youre a fan, you should live for the pure football porn of seeing your team roll up a 52-0 lead. And then you can leave early if youd like.
AMENDMENT II
Fans are allowed and encouraged to make their favorite team their passion as well as their hobby. They can/should put decals on their car, display posters and memorabilia at work, and proudly fly the flag outside of their house or double-wide.
However
Fan, you caring about your favorite team doesnt matter in any way, shape or form to the teams success. If youre reading this right now, youre the most important person in the history of the planet, but unless you let your friends call you T. Boone, or you make your global empire corporation outfit the team with different uniform combinations every week, youre immaterial. No, your vote doesnt actually count, that one plastic bottle you threw in the green bin instead of the blue isnt going to cool the planet, it doesnt happen to every guy, and you, as a singular fan, dont make a lick of difference. Your favorite team probably started playing football in the 1800s, or at least the early 1900s, and itll still be playing for a long, long time or until soccer takes over as the national sport after all the moms stop letting their kids play football. The 12th Man doesnt affect a game, the 12th Men do.
AMENDMENT III
Fans are allowed and encouraged to watch a game no matter what. There are only 12 of these precious moments a year, 13 in a good season, 14 in a great one. If theres a conflict, and an unavoidable social function has been scheduled at the same time as kickoff, the fan is allowed to use any means necessary to watch the game on a phone and/or on the TV at the bar/restaurant in the lobby. OR, if the fan is recording the game and planning on watching it later, anyone caught giving an unsolicited update or a final score must be destroyed with great vengeance and furious anger.
However
Fans arent allowed to miss the social functions that are actually important. Blowing off your daughters wedding to attend an Alabama game doesn't make you a fan, it makes you sad and pathetic.
AMENDMENT IV
Fans are encouraged to wear school colors and tasteful paraphernalia.
However
Its never, ever allowed to wear gear or colors from two different teams, even if they cross sports. Example: Seattle Mariners hat with a USC Trojans jersey. Also, male fans over the age of 25 arent allowed to wear jerseys of current players, and theyre never, under any circumstances, allowed to wear jerseys with iconic numbers and their own last name sewn in. Example: Florida 15 jersey that says Rubenstein on the back. Face-painting is only allowed in the student section.
However
AMENDMENT V
Fans, no matter what the age, are allowed to wear whatever is necessary to ensure their teams success on the day of a truly big game. Yes, your lucky Texas socks really do work.
However
Youre not allowed to tell anyone about your lucky item of clothing, or else it loses all of its powers. Also, if a fan over 25 must wear a jersey, it has to either have a generic number with no name, or it has to represent a former player older than the person wearing it. Of course, this really only applies to old, puffy men. Women, wear anything sports related and paint any part of your bodies you deem necessary or fun. Please.
AMENDMENT VI
Fans are allowed and encouraged to discuss their favorite school and team on sports radio shows, internet chats or other forms of social media whenever they wish.
However
Fans are never, ever, EVER allowed to use the word we when referring to the favorite school or team unless 1) a fans son is actually on the team, 2) a fan receives a paycheck from the university for duties performed pertaining to the football program, and/or 3) a fan is giving money directly to the players. We play Candy Crush in our cubicles while pretending to be working on the daily TPS reports. The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Penn State last weekend.
AMENDMENT VII
Fans are allowed and expected to be in a really, really bad, dont talk to me mood after a devastating loss.
However
Fans have to let it go, to a point, after 24 hours. Disappointment is allowed after that time period, but it isnt okay to be surly and pouty. You didnt lose; the UCLA Bruins did. In fact, they already started gameplanning for Colorado while you were still stewing.
AMENDMENT VIII
Fans are supposed to be biased towards their own football program and school, and theyre encouraged to feel all tingly while shedding a solitary yet manly tear when the fight song is played or the signature tradition is followed.
However
Fans arent allowed to be mad when everyone else on the planet 1) points out that their corrupt program if it is, in fact, corrupt is cheating, 2) dogs the fight song for being weak - if it is, in fact, weak and 3) openly mocks the signature tradition for being sort of dopey.
AMENDMENT IX
Fans of FBS programs are allowed to boo lustily and show their displeasure for poor play.
They might be kids, but theyre compensated kids there to do a job. Youre paying lots and LOTS of money now to go to the game, and while theyre giving it the old college try, if theyre not focused or playing up to their capabilities, it is well within your rights to take out your frustrations and pent-up anger at your boss/wife/boyfriend/life/all of the above on the receiver who missed a key block.
However
Fans arent allowed to make it personal. Boo a player when he makes a dumb mistake, and boo a team that left its game back on the bus, but never, ever, under any circumstances is it okay to get truly mean or nasty to a player by twitter or any other form of social media. A coach getting paid millions of dollars is another story.
AMENDMENT X
Fans are supposed to have fun. Period. That means theyre supposed to take breaks from their daily lives to escape by reading, watching, listening and discussing college football. That means theyre supposed to tailgate, meet with friends to watch games, and, if possible, make it a joyful part of their lives every fall.
However
Fans must always remember that its a game. Period. Fans are no better or worse off in life because a bunch of 18-to-22-year-olds are better or worse than another bunch of 18-to-22-year olds on a given day.
Youre not a fan if anything related to college football leads to violence other than whats happening on the field, cyber-bullying, profanity outside of the random expletive at a bad play, or brings any sort
Fans are allowed to leave whenever they wish.
You dont have to raise your hands in the air and wave them like you just dont care. No, its their job to entertain you, and if youre bored, or you want to beat traffic, or you have to go study for that Advanced Basketweaving midterm, then you go right ahead and leave whenever you darn-well please. You paid for the ticket, or even if you didnt, you can do what you want. This isnt Russia. Is this Russia?
However
Fans, you have to show up to the garbage games, too. Anyone can get pumped up for the big rivalry game, or the showdown against the top five powerhouse, but what about the cupcake FCS date? Your school is trying to give you a win to enjoy the lake has been stocked for your enjoyment. If youre a fan, you should live for the pure football porn of seeing your team roll up a 52-0 lead. And then you can leave early if youd like.
AMENDMENT II
Fans are allowed and encouraged to make their favorite team their passion as well as their hobby. They can/should put decals on their car, display posters and memorabilia at work, and proudly fly the flag outside of their house or double-wide.
However
Fan, you caring about your favorite team doesnt matter in any way, shape or form to the teams success. If youre reading this right now, youre the most important person in the history of the planet, but unless you let your friends call you T. Boone, or you make your global empire corporation outfit the team with different uniform combinations every week, youre immaterial. No, your vote doesnt actually count, that one plastic bottle you threw in the green bin instead of the blue isnt going to cool the planet, it doesnt happen to every guy, and you, as a singular fan, dont make a lick of difference. Your favorite team probably started playing football in the 1800s, or at least the early 1900s, and itll still be playing for a long, long time or until soccer takes over as the national sport after all the moms stop letting their kids play football. The 12th Man doesnt affect a game, the 12th Men do.
AMENDMENT III
Fans are allowed and encouraged to watch a game no matter what. There are only 12 of these precious moments a year, 13 in a good season, 14 in a great one. If theres a conflict, and an unavoidable social function has been scheduled at the same time as kickoff, the fan is allowed to use any means necessary to watch the game on a phone and/or on the TV at the bar/restaurant in the lobby. OR, if the fan is recording the game and planning on watching it later, anyone caught giving an unsolicited update or a final score must be destroyed with great vengeance and furious anger.
However
Fans arent allowed to miss the social functions that are actually important. Blowing off your daughters wedding to attend an Alabama game doesn't make you a fan, it makes you sad and pathetic.
AMENDMENT IV
Fans are encouraged to wear school colors and tasteful paraphernalia.
However
Its never, ever allowed to wear gear or colors from two different teams, even if they cross sports. Example: Seattle Mariners hat with a USC Trojans jersey. Also, male fans over the age of 25 arent allowed to wear jerseys of current players, and theyre never, under any circumstances, allowed to wear jerseys with iconic numbers and their own last name sewn in. Example: Florida 15 jersey that says Rubenstein on the back. Face-painting is only allowed in the student section.
However
AMENDMENT V
Fans, no matter what the age, are allowed to wear whatever is necessary to ensure their teams success on the day of a truly big game. Yes, your lucky Texas socks really do work.
However
Youre not allowed to tell anyone about your lucky item of clothing, or else it loses all of its powers. Also, if a fan over 25 must wear a jersey, it has to either have a generic number with no name, or it has to represent a former player older than the person wearing it. Of course, this really only applies to old, puffy men. Women, wear anything sports related and paint any part of your bodies you deem necessary or fun. Please.
AMENDMENT VI
Fans are allowed and encouraged to discuss their favorite school and team on sports radio shows, internet chats or other forms of social media whenever they wish.
However
Fans are never, ever, EVER allowed to use the word we when referring to the favorite school or team unless 1) a fans son is actually on the team, 2) a fan receives a paycheck from the university for duties performed pertaining to the football program, and/or 3) a fan is giving money directly to the players. We play Candy Crush in our cubicles while pretending to be working on the daily TPS reports. The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Penn State last weekend.
AMENDMENT VII
Fans are allowed and expected to be in a really, really bad, dont talk to me mood after a devastating loss.
However
Fans have to let it go, to a point, after 24 hours. Disappointment is allowed after that time period, but it isnt okay to be surly and pouty. You didnt lose; the UCLA Bruins did. In fact, they already started gameplanning for Colorado while you were still stewing.
AMENDMENT VIII
Fans are supposed to be biased towards their own football program and school, and theyre encouraged to feel all tingly while shedding a solitary yet manly tear when the fight song is played or the signature tradition is followed.
However
Fans arent allowed to be mad when everyone else on the planet 1) points out that their corrupt program if it is, in fact, corrupt is cheating, 2) dogs the fight song for being weak - if it is, in fact, weak and 3) openly mocks the signature tradition for being sort of dopey.
AMENDMENT IX
Fans of FBS programs are allowed to boo lustily and show their displeasure for poor play.
They might be kids, but theyre compensated kids there to do a job. Youre paying lots and LOTS of money now to go to the game, and while theyre giving it the old college try, if theyre not focused or playing up to their capabilities, it is well within your rights to take out your frustrations and pent-up anger at your boss/wife/boyfriend/life/all of the above on the receiver who missed a key block.
However
Fans arent allowed to make it personal. Boo a player when he makes a dumb mistake, and boo a team that left its game back on the bus, but never, ever, under any circumstances is it okay to get truly mean or nasty to a player by twitter or any other form of social media. A coach getting paid millions of dollars is another story.
AMENDMENT X
Fans are supposed to have fun. Period. That means theyre supposed to take breaks from their daily lives to escape by reading, watching, listening and discussing college football. That means theyre supposed to tailgate, meet with friends to watch games, and, if possible, make it a joyful part of their lives every fall.
However
Fans must always remember that its a game. Period. Fans are no better or worse off in life because a bunch of 18-to-22-year-olds are better or worse than another bunch of 18-to-22-year olds on a given day.
Youre not a fan if anything related to college football leads to violence other than whats happening on the field, cyber-bullying, profanity outside of the random expletive at a bad play, or brings any sort
