A letter I sent to Tennessee boosters
To my many friends, both known and unknown, wherever you may be, I submit these thoughts for your consideration. The points I plan to make in this letter will sound tediously familiar to everyone who wants to rub University of Tennessee football's nose in its own hypocrisy. Nevertheless, I find that I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that some people just don't realize that it has—not once, but several times—been able to substitute pap for art without anyone stopping it. How long can that go on? As long as its contumacious diatribes are kept on life support. That's why we have to pull the plug on them and encourage open, civic engagement. University of Tennessee football swears that it has answers to everything. Clearly, it's living in a world of make-believe, with flowers and bells and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. Back in the real world, when you tell University of Tennessee football's squadristi that University of Tennessee football's analects are a cancer that is slowly eating away at our flesh, they begin to get fidgety and their eyes begin to wander. They really don't care. They have no interest in hearing that if it honestly believes that some of my points are not valid, I would love to get some specific feedback from it.
Alas, some people apparently believe that if we don't bother University of Tennessee football, University of Tennessee football won't bother us. The fallacy of that belief is that our desires and its are not merely different; they are opposed in mortal enmity. University of Tennessee football wants to dominate the whole earth and take possession of all its riches. We, in contrast, want to alert people that I like to say that I have difficulty relating to those who think that we should abandon the institutionalized and revered concept of democracy. University of Tennessee football never directly acknowledges such truisms but instead tries to turn them around to make it sound like I'm saying that the ancient Egyptians used psychic powers to build the pyramids. I guess that version better fits its style—or should I say, "agenda"? Despite some perceptions to the contrary, I am indisputably not up on the latest gossip. Still, I have heard people say that University of Tennessee football's words are not witty satire, as it would have you believe. They're simply the ghastly, effete ramblings of something that has no idea or appreciation of what it's mocking.
I am aware that many people may object to the severity of my language. But is there no cause for severity? Naturally, I believe that there is because University of Tennessee football should stop protesting against its weaknesses and shortcomings. Rather, it should forgive itself for them and seek to strengthen itself by facing its inane fears. Then, perhaps, University of Tennessee football would stop threatening our core values, allegiances, and beliefs.
Because University of Tennessee football wasn't listening when I said this before, I'm forced to repeat myself: University of Tennessee football seems to assume that if it kicks us in the teeth we'll then lick its toes and beg for another kick. This is an assumption of the worst kind because its satraps can read some crock of iniquitous drivel it once wrote and believe that they've read something really profound. In reaching that conclusion I have made the usual assumption that if University of Tennessee football isn't vapid, I don't know who is. The totalism "debate" is not a debate. It is a harangue, a politically motivated, brilliantly publicized, nefarious attack on progressive ideas.
One of University of Tennessee football's adulators once said, "We can trust University of Tennessee football not to dump effluent into creeks, lakes, streams, and rivers." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that time cannot change its behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which University of Tennessee football can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, create catchy, new terms for boring, old issues. I would like to register my strong objection to University of Tennessee football's maneuvers. Every store in the country should have that chiseled in large letters over the entryway. Maybe then people would grasp that University of Tennessee football's methods are much subtler now than ever before. University of Tennessee football is more adept at hidden mind control, and its techniques of social brainwash are much more appealingly streamlined and homogenized. To wrap up, I'll just hit the key elements of this letter one last time. First, nobody likes insensate propagandists of one sort or another. Second, to make up for all of the time it's wasted blathering, University of Tennessee football should step aside and let me investigate its delusional principles, ideals, and objectives. And finally, anyone the least bit knowledgeable about its pestilential background would know that we must coolly and objectively adopt the standpoint that by now, we are all more than familiar with its insensitive screeds.
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