Detailed information on the candidates

[therealUT]

Barack Hussein Obama
Favorite Way To Mollify Supporters:
Nodding solemnly while gripping podium

Issues:
Pro-hopes, also supports dreams

Political Experience:
(2005–) Junior Senator from Illinois. Working directly under Senior Senator Richard Durbin himself, duties included fact-checking and copyediting the 2006 highway appropriations amendment bill. Member, Illinois State Senate (1997-2004)

Difficulty Catching A Cab:
Moderate

Personal Best For Getting Digits:
32 seconds

Odds Of Pop-Locking During Inauguration:
1 in 12

Health Care:
Promises to reduce cost of health care by demanding private insurance companies stop liking astronomical profits.
Iraq War:
Will have American soldiers tell the Iraqi soldiers that they're just going out for some smokes, and then sneak back home to America.
Abortion:
Did some crazy **** in the '80's, not going to lie.
Immigration:
Would refuse to allow Kenyans to come to America, father children, abandon children, attend Harvard PhD programs, and return to Kenya.
Economy:
Will cut taxes, but occasionally hit up Oprah on behalf of treasury.
Climate:
Has an extensive five-year plan to charm climate back to normal temperatures.
Foreign Affairs:
Guarantees improved relations with Kenya, Indonesia, Hawaii, and Illinois.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Experience:
Husband secretly let her run country from 1997-1999

Reason For Presidential Bid:
Left some stuff at White House

Favorite Food:
Wheat slurry injected directly into her stomach

Signature Issue:
Becoming President of the United States

Murder Convictions:
3

Make-up Secrets:
Classified

Reproductive Process:
Squirts thousands of egg sacs into host intestine, then fertilizes them herself

Health Care:
"I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade."
Iraq War:
"I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular."
Abortion:
Has enforced at least two on Bill Clinton's other partners.
Immigration:
"I voted for the border fence because I believe in order to solve our immigration crisis we must first show immigrants how unwelcoming, hateful, and xenophobic America is."
Economy:
"We need to create new jobs in this country—green collar jobs that can help our economy and our environment. And I'd like to point out that that's my term—'green collar' jobs. See, I can come up with exciting phrases."
Climate:
Will double education spending so that our children will be ready to deal with the problem once it gets really bad.
Foreign Affairs:
Voted to require 15 minutes' extra diplomacy before launching airstrikes.

John McCain
Thoughts On Torture:
Doesn't support stuff he couldn't handle

Awards:
Distinguished Flying Cross (Vietnam War); Silver Star (World War II); Bronze Star (Crimean War)

Saturday Night Live Appearance:
Solid

Where He'd Be If Not Running For President:
Dead

Inspiring Example:
Co-sponsored a campaign finance act with Democrat Russ Feingold, the aim of which is to leave every campaigner as broke as McCain and Feingold

Health Care:
Supports universal health care for all current and former POWs.
Iraq War:
"The United States should no longer act as the world's police but instead as the world's stripper, dressed as the police."
Abortion:
Would strongly oppose any legislation that would allow fetuses to be removed from the womb, fed only watery rice porridge, and physically and mentally tortured for months on end.
Immigration:
Supports a path to legalization because Latinos are one of the few ethnic groups that don't appear in the senator's recurring nightmares.
Economy:
"Once we win this ideological war on radical Islamic extremism which will rage for thousands of years, then we will concentrate on the economy."
Climate:
Is against any kind of change at all.
Foreign Affairs:
Will not meet with with leaders of unfriendly states, unless it's to give them a head's up that the United States is about to bomb them.

Candidates | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

[OrangeEmpire]

Candidates | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Crimean War........

:birgits_giggle:

That is priceless!

 

[Volnissniss]

Odds Of Pop-Locking During Inauguration:
1 in 12 That is my favorite!

Hahaha, all three of those are hilarious!lol:

 

[volinbham]

Confirms my choice of McCain.

Best line:

Reproductive Process:
Squirts thousands of egg sacs into host intestine, then fertilizes them herself