Q: Please for the LOVE OF GOD, explain why every time you win something in baseball you get a champagne celebration?!?!
-- JD, Indy
SG: Kept getting this question for two weeks, so let's settle it here: I'm not against these celebrations since it's always fun to watch people pour liquor on each other; it's always fun to watch the toupees and hair extensions of media members get doused with champagne; it's always fun to watch drunk people get interviewed on live TV; it's always fun to see born-agains and recovering alcoholics getting involved; and really, there's no downside at all. But since it happens four times a year for the World Series champs because of the expanded playoffs, we need to tinker with the actual liquor in the celebrations: Clinch your division and you're only allowed to celebrate with good canned beer; wild-card clinchers can only be cheaper canned beer, something like Natty Light or Busch. First-round clinchers earn celebrations with those big 40-ounce bottles of Bud or whatever. Pennant clinchers earn celebrations with cheap champagne. And for the World Series, you get good champagne. So there would be a liquor hierarchy that gets better as the clinches get more important. I think this could work.
