Jokes about women thread....

#1
U-T

U-T

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#1
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

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What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, #%&@, Etc."

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What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party

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Why is it called PMS? -- Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

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A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem. every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. the doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it. the woman replied, snorting pepper.

 
#2
#2
Got this in an email..........thought you might like it!!!!! :rolleyes:

The Guy's Rules: :cool:

1.LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF ITS UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

2. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

3. SHOPPING IS "NOT" A SPORT. AND NO WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

4. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL!

5. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE : SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!

6. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

6. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

7. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM. SEE A DOCTOR.

8. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

9. IF YOU WONT DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

10. IF YOU THINK YOU ARE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. SO DONT ASK US.

11. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

12. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH, IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

12. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

13. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

14. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

15. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT.

16. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY NOTHING, WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

17. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

18. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE........REALLY.

19. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE ARE THINKING UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION, OR MONSTER TRUCKS.

20. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

21. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

22. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE.

***THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT; BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:


 
#5
#5
Certain revisionists say that Moses recieved a 3rd tablet, declaring that women are psychologically incapable of admitting they're wrong.

Of course these same sources insist that the devil can quote scripture.



"
 
#7
#7
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when
they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means
"something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh"
means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she
is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing."

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she
wants to think long and hard before deciding how and
when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint.
Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if they remember the
terminology!

A sidenote from Guys....THANKS...can also mean Thanks
for NOTHING!

So be very careful to take notice of what tone of
voice it is said in
 
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