rexvol
The Minister of Defense
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2006
- Messages
- 18,124
- Likes
- 54
> Planning for the college football season in the South is radically
> different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip
> South, here are some helpful hints.
>
> Women's Accessories:
> NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
> SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
> and a
> fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
>
> Stadium Size:
> NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
> SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
> Fathers:
> NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
>
> Campus Decor:
> NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
> SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
>
> Homecoming Queen:
> NORTH: Also a physics major.
> SOUTH: Also Miss America .
>
> Heroes:
> NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
> SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning
>
> Getting Tickets:
> NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> campus.
> SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting
> list for tickets.
>
> Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
> because they have classes on Friday.
> SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see
> the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
>
> Parking:
> NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
> game parking.
> SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
> the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
>
> Game Day:
> NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
> SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
> over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
> wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
> Broadcast from their campus.
>
> Tailgating:
> NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
> radio station with truck tailgate down.
> SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
> accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... who come
> over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
>
> Getting to the Stadium:
> NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
> in.
> SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the
> state's third largest city.
>
> Concessions:
> NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
> SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
> it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
> bourbon.
>
> When National Anthem is Played:
> NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
> stand up.
> SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
> harmony.
>
> The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
> NORTH: Nothing changes.
> SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
>
> Commentary (Male):
> NORTH: "Nice play."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
> Commentary (Female):
> NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
> Announcers:
> NORTH: Neutral and paid.
> SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
> tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
>
> After the Game:
> NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
> SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
> the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next
> week's game.
>
> Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories
> of Southern football!
> And for SEC Fans:
>
> HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
>
> At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
> explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
> Harvard.
>
> At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize
> the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.
>
> At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to
> figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
>
> At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about
> how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an
> NCAA investigator.
>
> At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
> three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
>
> At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester
> hours.
>
> At KENTUCKY: it takes eight! One to screw it in and seven to discuss
> how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
>
> At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two
> to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and
> talk about how much they hate Alabama .
>
> At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two
> to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
>
> At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
> about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get
> drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
>
> At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
> discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
> football team.
>
> At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .
> different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip
> South, here are some helpful hints.
>
> Women's Accessories:
> NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
> SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
> and a
> fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
>
> Stadium Size:
> NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
> SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
>
> Fathers:
> NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
> SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
>
> Campus Decor:
> NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
> SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
>
> Homecoming Queen:
> NORTH: Also a physics major.
> SOUTH: Also Miss America .
>
> Heroes:
> NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
> SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning
>
> Getting Tickets:
> NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> campus.
> SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
> campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting
> list for tickets.
>
> Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
> NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game,
> because they have classes on Friday.
> SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see
> the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
>
> Parking:
> NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
> game parking.
> SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
> the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
>
> Game Day:
> NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
> SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes
> over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
> wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never
> Broadcast from their campus.
>
> Tailgating:
> NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
> radio station with truck tailgate down.
> SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
> accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,... who come
> over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
>
> Getting to the Stadium:
> NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
> in.
> SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the
> state's third largest city.
>
> Concessions:
> NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
> SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
> it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
> bourbon.
>
> When National Anthem is Played:
> NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
> stand up.
> SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
> harmony.
>
> The Smell in the Air after the First Score:
> NORTH: Nothing changes.
> SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
>
> Commentary (Male):
> NORTH: "Nice play."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
> Commentary (Female):
> NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
> SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
>
> Announcers:
> NORTH: Neutral and paid.
> SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
> tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
>
> After the Game:
> NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
> SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to
> the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next
> week's game.
>
> Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories
> of Southern football!
> And for SEC Fans:
>
> HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
>
> At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
> explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
> Harvard.
>
> At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize
> the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.
>
> At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to
> figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
>
> At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about
> how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an
> NCAA investigator.
>
> At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
> three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
>
> At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester
> hours.
>
> At KENTUCKY: it takes eight! One to screw it in and seven to discuss
> how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
>
> At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two
> to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and
> talk about how much they hate Alabama .
>
> At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two
> to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
>
> At AUBURN : it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
> about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get
> drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
>
> At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
> discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
> football team.
>
> At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas .
