Politics and Your Relationships

#1
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Willy P

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#1
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
 
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#2
#2
Never cut any family off from contact for politics. Have cut them off for reinforcement of boundaries for me and my family.

Her dad sounds like a miserable man. You made the right call by stepping in to protect your wife and family. I hope he will learn and grow from this...but that is up to him.
 
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#5
#5
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...
It’s not normal, it never will be. I’m conservative. I live my life like politics doesn’t matter and I wish everyone would do the same. Never have a problem with friends because it’s never brought up.
I hope your FIL comes to a point he realizes his daughters love is more important that ideology, soon.
 
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#7
#7
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...
It's best to never allow political affiliation to get in the way of relationships, especially with family and good friends. My sister is a huge lib and it has never mattered to me one bit. We share harmless & funny barbs about the current political climate back and forth for fun.
 
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#8
#8
@Willy P I'm willing to bet your FIL is less than a peach in many ways, not just politics.

I would have a very frank conversation with him about what he wants out of the relationship. I would ask him why he thinks his relationships fail. I would ask him if family matters more than politics.

My parents are pretty difficult about politics. Not like this, but my Dad does cross the line sometimes, and I do a lot to try to meet him more than halfway, but that's just how I am with almost any interpersonal problem. I can't foresee a scenario where I would cut anybody off, but I have unfollowed plenty of people on FB (I'm not there for politics, so if you're regularly posting about it, I'm out on you).

If I were you, I wouldn't give a damn about having a good relationship with him, but I would help your wife to do so. I've seen people cut off family and then they die, and it's awful because there was never any healing. This is all easier said than done, but if she can wrap her mind around why her Dad is the way he is, and create excuses in her head for him, it can be manageable. It will take the sting out of the things he says. For example, he's old, lonely, afraid, doesn't understand the world, maybe his health is bothering him, and moreso than anything is probably unhappy. That last one really works for me. If somebody appears to be unhappy in life, I have a lot more patience and compassion for them.
 
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#9
#9
I think it takes a marked lacking of emotional intelligence to cut someone out of your life--friend or family-- over politics.

Maybe I didn't start noticing it until I was a politically activated adult, but it just seems as though it's a new trend these days. Sucks.
 
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#10
#10
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...
I will refrain from calling him what the first six names I thought of, but it sounds like he has a real issue and I suspect that if his disappointment had not been shared because of her "liberal" viewpoint he'd have come up with another reason (she married you, she moved to the south, she colored her hair, she goes to Dollywood)
Haters are going to hate.
 
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#11
#11
DinkinFlicka said:
I think it takes a marked lacking of emotional intelligence to cut someone out of your life--friend or family-- over politics.

Maybe I didn't start noticing it until I was a politically activated adult, but it just seems as though it's a new trend these days. Sucks.
Click to expand...

100%. It seems like in the past 20-25 years, there's been a more overt push from the so-called leaders of various political camps to have folks cut off friends and family who don't march to the same beat.

That gets me thinking about other high-pressure groups (cults) who push the same thing in terms of isolating individuals from their normal support network in order to more easily control them.
 
#12
#12
I think a contributor to this sort of behavior is the fact that politics has become so intertwined with culture war/moral issues. Nowadays, many make entire assumptions about someone's moral character simply based on their political leanings. In my opinion, this has contributed to the overall polarization of the country and scenarios like what the OP is describing.

Neither side is really helping to cool things down, which means it's only going to get worse.
 
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#13
#13
Matt2496 said:
I think a contributor to this sort of behavior is the fact that politics has become so intertwined with culture war/moral issues. Nowadays, many make entire assumptions about someone's moral character simply based on their political leanings. In my opinion, this has contributed to the overall polarization of the country and scenarios like what the OP is describing.

Neither side is really helping to cool things down, which means it's only going to get worse.
Click to expand...

100%

I would counter that morals and politics have always intertwined. The culture war has always existed, but it heated up because everybody has a voice now.
 
#15
#15
n_huffhines said:
@Willy P I'm willing to bet your FIL is less than a peach in many ways, not just politics.

I would have a very frank conversation with him about what he wants out of the relationship. I would ask him why he thinks his relationships fail. I would ask him if family matters more than politics.

My parents are pretty difficult about politics. Not like this, but my Dad does cross the line sometimes, and I do a lot to try to meet him more than halfway, but that's just how I am with almost any interpersonal problem. I can't foresee a scenario where I would cut anybody off, but I have unfollowed plenty of people on FB (I'm not there for politics, so if you're regularly posting about it, I'm out on you).

If I were you, I wouldn't give a damn about having a good relationship with him, but I would help your wife to do so. I've seen people cut off family and then they die, and it's awful because there was never any healing. This is all easier said than done, but if she can wrap her mind around why her Dad is the way he is, and create excuses in her head for him, it can be manageable. It will take the sting out of the things he says. For example, he's old, lonely, afraid, doesn't understand the world, maybe his health is bothering him, and moreso than anything is probably unhappy. That last one really works for me. If somebody appears to be unhappy in life, I have a lot more patience and compassion for them.
Click to expand...

You are correct - he's pretty morally bankrupt in other areas too. I'm 100% OK to never see or hear from him again, but he's never meant much to me. My wife struggles with her relationship with her dad and has always needed him. I wanted to be the buffer and stay out of it so that I could help them come back together, but now I think I've truly had enough of him.

I just keep thinking, "What a shame."
 
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#16
#16
Matt2496 said:
I think a contributor to this sort of behavior is the fact that politics has become so intertwined with culture war/moral issues. Nowadays, many make entire assumptions about someone's moral character simply based on their political leanings. In my opinion, this has contributed to the overall polarization of the country and scenarios like what the OP is describing.

Neither side is really helping to cool things down, which means it's only going to get worse.
Click to expand...

This is why I posted the situation here. I feel like I've never seen behavior like this until the past 10 years or so... people willing to run off their loved ones because of the way they vote.
 
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#17
#17
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...

Are you an independent or an "independent" that is a half step to the right of Lenin?
 
#19
#19
It’s sounds more like him being barely in her life and only texting over politics is the issue than politics itself. If he was a good father and part of her life, I don’t think the political slant would be the death knell it is.
 
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#20
#20
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...
Her father (not a dad) sounds like a first class jerk. Based on how you said these communications are infrequent and this particular one was on a Friday night, I would bet he's drunk texting her.
 
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#21
#21
Willy P said:
I just want to hear from the folks on here. I'm curious as to whether my experience this weekend is completely insane, or whether this is actually getting to be pretty normal.

I consider myself an independent. I've voted for democrats and I've voted for Republicans, as well as 3rd party. My wife is a democrat. We talk politics some but it never gets in the way of anything. We are both mid-30's.

My father-in-law has never had the best relationship with my wife - divorced her mom early, lives in OH and hasn't made any effort in 8 years or so. He's got a 5-year-old grandson that he's never met. I've always had a decent relationship with the guy and generally I like him. Every once in a while, he shoots her a text or makes a comment on the phone (generally after not speaking to her for months) about how he can't believe she's a liberal and how he's disappointed and whatnot. If I'm there, I'll make a joke to break the tension. It tears my wife up that her dad thinks less of her.

Recently, they hit a rough patch and he hasn't made any attempt to contact her in the past 6 months. Friday night, we took our kids to Soaky to let them run around the waterpark and have fun, and we are just swimming and eating food. Her dad sends her a text that he is ashamed of her being a liberal and he fought for this country, her mom fought for this country just for people like her to ruin it. My wife started crying right there in the waterpark.

I finally decided that I had enough of this guy. I sent him a text saying to either be all the way in her life of just go away completely. He then proceeds to tell me that he can't believe I'm a vet and put up with it, some other things trying to push my buttons. I just texted him again saying I don't care, just don't talk to her any more. I think that was my final straw on her dad. I've watched this bubble up over the years and it's finally worth stepping in.

Do you have any relatives or friends that you are willing to cut off over their politics? Has anybody treated you differently based on some perception like that? This is simply mind-blowing to me, that a father can act this way. I'm really thinking that over the past 10 years or so that this is becoming normal.
Click to expand...
Sounds like your FIL might just be a right foul dick in general, and this but the latest manifestation. Good for you for sticking up for your wife.

I come from a large extended family on my mother’s side.
Grandfather was a proud Democrat, Grandmother a quiet Republican that used chuckle about “cancelling his vote out”.
Our family runs the ideological spectrum - but we’ve never fought over pure politics.

Now, the Covid “othering” (that certainly had a political slant to it) did fray some relationships. But that has started to heal, and will continue to do so. Hopefully.
 
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#22
#22
My mother in law is the only liberal in the family. We still love her, but no one understands her. That being said, her entire political world revolves around hating Trump.
 
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