Post your favorite joke

#1
BayouVol

BayouVol

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#1
LOUISIANA

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport comes a true story from Sunset, La. A routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, he managed to find his own car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes. As a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started driving slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all.

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, apparently this equipment is broken."

"I doubt it," said the man," Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Gotta love them Cajuns!

:eek:lol:
 
#2
#2
Why do ducks have flat feet?...... To stomp out forest fires! Why do elephants have flat feet?....... To stomp out burning ducks!
 
#3
#3
Originally posted by tn_sweetheart_01@Jun 21, 2005 11:56 PM
Why do ducks have flat feet?...... To stomp out forest fires! Why do elephants have flat feet?....... To stomp out burning ducks!
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:question:
 
#4
#4
milo died and went straight to hell. He told the devil he wasn't supposed to be there but the devil said he heard that from everyone who came there. milo insisted he wasn't supposed to be there and there must be some way to get out of hell.

The devil said there was one way but milo wouldn't do it so why explain it. milo swore he would do anything. So the devil told him to go down this corridor out into hell and find the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgusting, diseased, ugly, foul-mouthed, degenerate woman in all of hell and take her into one of the rooms down the corridor and just love her to death for 24 hours.

Can't do it, said milo. It's the only way out, said the devil So milo decided he would do it. As he walked down the corridor on his way out he saw owb in a room with Jennifer Aniston, just having a ball.

milo ran back and said to the devil that he knew hell wasn't fair, but how come he had to find this disgusting woman and owb got Jennifer Aniston.

You don't understand, said the devil. Jennifer Aniston wants out of hell just like you do. :eek:lol:
 
#5
#5
Originally posted by surrealvol@Jun 22, 2005 12:30 PM
As he walked down the corridor on his way out he saw owb in a room with Jennifer Aniston, just having a ball.

milo ran back and said to the devil that he knew hell wasn't fair, but how come he had to find this disgusting woman and owb got Jennifer Aniston.

You don't understand, said the devil.  Jennifer Aniston wants out of hell just like you do.  :eek:lol:
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:unsure: Oh well, I still got to sleep with Jennifer Aniston... <_<


:laugh1:
 
#6
#6
Here is one that I found on an AOL message board.....

A husband walks into Victoria Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from &#036;250
to &#036;500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for
the most sheer item, pays the &#036;500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It&#39;s so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won&#39;t put it on, I will do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the &#036;500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord&#33; You&#39;d think that for &#036;500, they&#39;d at
least iron it&#33;"
 
#7
#7
A man and his wife got out to a fancy restaurant , after the waiter takes their drink order and they are deciding what to order, the man notices that all the waiters and bus boys have spoons in the shirt pockets. When the waiter comes back with their drinks, the man asks "Why is everyone carrying a spoon around in their pocket?" The waiter explains " We had an efficiency expert come in last month to evaluate our operation. He discovered that 95% of the time if a utensil is dropped it is a spoon. By carrying a spoon with at all times we can save 3.5 hrs of labor by not having to run back to the kitchen every time someone drops a spoon."
Later as the man was eating his meal he dropped his spoon and without missing a stride his waiter placed a new spoon on the table for him. Later as he was waiting for the check he noticed that all the waiters and bus boys had strings hanging out of their zippers. When the waiter brought the check he said, " I like the spoon strategy, and it seems to work very well, now I want to know what the string in all of your zippers is for." "Well, " said the waiter, " the same expert said that if we tied a string to our penis , we wouldn&#39;t have to touch it when we went to the restroom and therefore we would not have to wash our hands and that would save another 4.3 hrs per shift."
The man replied " That&#39;s all well and good , but how do you get it back in your pants without touching it?" .... " I use my spoon."
 
#8
#8
Mental Health Hotline
Answering machines... why we LOVE them&#33;&#33;

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn&#39;t matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother&#39;s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep.
Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down & cry. You won&#39;t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde don&#39;t press any buttons, you&#39;ll just mess it up.




 
#9
#9
Why you shouldn&#39;t lie..........

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and
all of them had an &#39;A&#39; so far. These four friends were so confident
that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends
and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the
hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn&#39;t make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final,
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They
said that they visited friends but on the way back, had a flat tire.
As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the
exam. He placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test
booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth five points.
Cool, they thought&#33; Each one, in separate rooms, thought this is going
to be easy.

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written:

For 95 points: Which tire?
 
#10
#10
A GOOD CAJUN JOKE

Hello? Dis de FBI?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I&#39;m callin to report on my neighbor Boudreaux. He&#39;s hidin marijuana in his firewood&#33;"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Boudreaux&#39;s house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. They sneered at Boudreaux as they left.

A few minutes later, Boudreaux&#39;s phone rang. "Hey, Boudreaux. Dis here is Thibedaux.

Did de FBI come?"

"Yeah&#33;"

"Did dey chop you firewood?"

"Sure did."

"Happy Birthday, Mah Friend&#33;"

Who says Cajuns aren&#39;t smart?
 
#11
#11
A GOOD DEAL&#33;

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What&#39;s in the bag?" asked the woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It&#39;s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the
quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
 
#12
#12
DON&#39;T CHANGE.... IT AIN&#39;T WORTH IT....

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No, you have another 43
years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have
a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She
even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so
much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation, and while
crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the
hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had another 40 years?"

God replied, "I didn&#39;t recognize you."
 
#13
#13
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy&#39;s night out, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


 
#14
#14
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK&#33;&#33;&#33;


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict&#39;s intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you&#39;re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " &#39;Cause you&#39;re ugly&#33;"


 
#16
#16
Originally posted by Orangewhiteblood@Jun 24, 2005 12:06 AM
She&#39;s on a roll tonight.....
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I was bored... and once I started laughing at my joke file....Here&#39;s the last one for the night&#33;
 
#17
#17
DEAR JOHN....

Having talked for 20 years with many GI&#39;s who received "Dear Johns," I, frankly, approve of the way this Army ranger handled it...

An Army ranger deployed to Afghanistan received a letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she&#39;d slept with 2 guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up, AND she wants pictures of herself returned.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures
to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I&#39;m sorry I can&#39;t remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."

 
#18
#18
Originally posted by BayouVol@Jun 23, 2005 11:56 PM
True bravery is arriving home late after a guy&#39;s night out, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
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Hey BV, you have really put some good ones out there.
 
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