milohimself
RIP CITY
- Joined
- Sep 18, 2004
- Messages
- 48,891
- Likes
- 29
This guy was a hilarious comedian... Has anybody else seen/heard his material? Classic stuff. In his memory, I will post some of my favorite jokes of his.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was &$*%(($ impossible.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here you throw this away."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.
I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly ...
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I played golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. I was going to yell 'fore,' but I was way too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, 4 billion! #%&@. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ...
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're &$*%(($ relentless.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It was the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light, they scatter, but I do not want them to. Don't run away. I want to hold you ... and feed you a leaf.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog ...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a ****. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You ****ers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, damnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun you refer to yourself and some other people.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know this lady who'd be really mad if she heard me say that.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was &$*%(($ impossible.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here you throw this away."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.
I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ..."
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first...
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly ...
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I played golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it, I never got a hole in one... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. I was going to yell 'fore,' but I was way too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
My lucky number is 4 billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, 4 billion! #%&@. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ...
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're &$*%(($ relentless.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It was the cutest infestation ever. When I turn on the light, they scatter, but I do not want them to. Don't run away. I want to hold you ... and feed you a leaf.
In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog ...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air.
When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a ****. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You ****ers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, damnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" That's what you say when you're having fun you refer to yourself and some other people.
