Hoosier_Vol
Vol Stuck in B1G 10 Hell
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With apologies to Darrell Royal, App State running back Anderson Castle, Princeton Hall of Famer Phillip King and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 3 Bottom 10 rankings.
1. Whew Mexico State (0-4)
Speaking of massive events that are sure to capture the hearts and eyes of billions around the world, when the Other Aggies got slapped with a badger tail, losing 66-7 at Wisconsin, they didn't merely become the nation's first four-loss team. New Mexico State also set the stage for the first Pillow Fight of the Year of the Century, happening this weekend when they host ...
2. Huh-Why?-Yuh (1-3)
The good news? Timmy Chang's Warriors finally found a win at the end of the Rainbow. The bad news? It was against a 1-3 FCS team in Duquesne, which is pronounced "Due-cane." As in, "I can't believe we just lost to freaking Hawai'i. We are DUE to find a field and gnaw away our sorrows on some sugar CANE."
3. Colora-duh State (0-3)
The Rams have lost nine straight, the longest winless streak in FBS football. Never a good sign: When the hometown newspaper follows up your 38-7 loss at Washington State with a story titled "Gauging the panic scale on Colorado State's winless start."
4. Colora-duh (0-3)
Also never a good sign: When your athletic director follows up your 49-7 loss at Minnesota with a statement that begins with "Like all of you, I have been disappointed to watch our football team struggle this fall ..." and right at the point in the press release where a head coach hopes that the message takes an inspiring upturn, it instead says: "I want you to know that I hear you. I recognize and understand your disappointment and frustration and perhaps, even anger."
5. Poor Damn Eagle (2-1)
I like Bryan Harsin. I genuinely do. But I was in Auburn last weekend and when I said those same two sentences at a WDE tailgate, suddenly an orange-clad grandma reflexively tried to hit me in the face with her tiger-striped purse. So, a Plains old jump into the Coveted Fifth Spot it is.
6. UMess (1-2)
Massachusetts defeated Stony Brook 20-3 in the biggest retreat-ending victory for a group of Minutemen since the North Bridge. But that win was merely an appetizer of pease porridge, or whatever they used to have for appetizers in colonial times, whetting New England's appetite for what comes next ...
7. Temple of Doom (1-2)
That's right, it's a super-rare Pillow Fight of the Week of the Century Doubled-header, as in doubled over in pain. The Temple Bowels fell to 1-2 after a loss to Rutgers, a Scarlet Knights victory that coincidentally made Greg Schiano the winningest coach in school history. He surpassed Frank Burns, who coached Rutgers to its first bowl appearance and a pair of Middle Three Conference championships. In related news, Temple fans, Philadelphians all, spend most games with their middle three fingers extended, always at the ready to unload the middle one and remind visitors that they are No. 1 ... or to show you how many wins they have.
8. U-Can't (1-3)
The Huskies lost a squeaker at Michigan 59-0. The Wolverines closed out their season-opening three-game Bottom 10 gauntlet against Colorado State, Hawai'i and UConn by going 3-0 via a combined score of 166-17. Now Michigan plays Maryland, who is 3-0 but with two wins over Bottom 10 regulars Buffalo and Charlotte. Meanwhile, UConn moves on to play at 12th-ranked NC State. Who put these schedules together, one of those monsters from the Upside Down?
9. Buffalo Bulls Not Bills (0-3)
The #MACtion East Division has six teams and five of those teams have a record of 1-2. The Bulls are the only exception, sitting at 0-3. But hey, look on the bright side, Buffalo fans. You're not even the worst Buffalo in this week's rankings! Amarite, Ralphie?
10. Arizona Skate (1-2)
This spot was going to No-braska, but then Arizona State did what the Huskers did one week ago and fired its coach. According to Bottom 10 rules, when a team fires its head coach in September, it automatically moves into the rankings, though we doubt Herm Edwards is aware of this because he doesn't seem to spend a lot of time bothering with pesky rulebooks.
Waiting list: No-braska, ULM (pronounced "ulm"), Georgia State Not Southern, Everyone in the MAC except Eastern Michigan and Toledo, UTEP Minors, Charlotte 1-and-3'ers, FI(not A)U, North by Northwestern, Wrambling Reck, Houston we have a problem ... with two of your receivers fighting on the sideline.
Speaking of massive events that are sure to capture the hearts and eyes of billions around the world, when the Other Aggies got slapped with a badger tail, losing 66-7 at Wisconsin, they didn't merely become the nation's first four-loss team. New Mexico State also set the stage for the first Pillow Fight of the Year of the Century, happening this weekend when they host ...
The good news? Timmy Chang's Warriors finally found a win at the end of the Rainbow. The bad news? It was against a 1-3 FCS team in Duquesne, which is pronounced "Due-cane." As in, "I can't believe we just lost to freaking Hawai'i. We are DUE to find a field and gnaw away our sorrows on some sugar CANE."
The Rams have lost nine straight, the longest winless streak in FBS football. Never a good sign: When the hometown newspaper follows up your 38-7 loss at Washington State with a story titled "Gauging the panic scale on Colorado State's winless start."
Also never a good sign: When your athletic director follows up your 49-7 loss at Minnesota with a statement that begins with "Like all of you, I have been disappointed to watch our football team struggle this fall ..." and right at the point in the press release where a head coach hopes that the message takes an inspiring upturn, it instead says: "I want you to know that I hear you. I recognize and understand your disappointment and frustration and perhaps, even anger."
I like Bryan Harsin. I genuinely do. But I was in Auburn last weekend and when I said those same two sentences at a WDE tailgate, suddenly an orange-clad grandma reflexively tried to hit me in the face with her tiger-striped purse. So, a Plains old jump into the Coveted Fifth Spot it is.
Massachusetts defeated Stony Brook 20-3 in the biggest retreat-ending victory for a group of Minutemen since the North Bridge. But that win was merely an appetizer of pease porridge, or whatever they used to have for appetizers in colonial times, whetting New England's appetite for what comes next ...
That's right, it's a super-rare Pillow Fight of the Week of the Century Doubled-header, as in doubled over in pain. The Temple Bowels fell to 1-2 after a loss to Rutgers, a Scarlet Knights victory that coincidentally made Greg Schiano the winningest coach in school history. He surpassed Frank Burns, who coached Rutgers to its first bowl appearance and a pair of Middle Three Conference championships. In related news, Temple fans, Philadelphians all, spend most games with their middle three fingers extended, always at the ready to unload the middle one and remind visitors that they are No. 1 ... or to show you how many wins they have.
The Huskies lost a squeaker at Michigan 59-0. The Wolverines closed out their season-opening three-game Bottom 10 gauntlet against Colorado State, Hawai'i and UConn by going 3-0 via a combined score of 166-17. Now Michigan plays Maryland, who is 3-0 but with two wins over Bottom 10 regulars Buffalo and Charlotte. Meanwhile, UConn moves on to play at 12th-ranked NC State. Who put these schedules together, one of those monsters from the Upside Down?
The #MACtion East Division has six teams and five of those teams have a record of 1-2. The Bulls are the only exception, sitting at 0-3. But hey, look on the bright side, Buffalo fans. You're not even the worst Buffalo in this week's rankings! Amarite, Ralphie?
This spot was going to No-braska, but then Arizona State did what the Huskers did one week ago and fired its coach. According to Bottom 10 rules, when a team fires its head coach in September, it automatically moves into the rankings, though we doubt Herm Edwards is aware of this because he doesn't seem to spend a lot of time bothering with pesky rulebooks.
Waiting list: No-braska, ULM (pronounced "ulm"), Georgia State Not Southern, Everyone in the MAC except Eastern Michigan and Toledo, UTEP Minors, Charlotte 1-and-3'ers, FI(not A)U, North by Northwestern, Wrambling Reck, Houston we have a problem ... with two of your receivers fighting on the sideline.
