Alabama Ups the Ante on Recruiting Strategy

(parody) Developing story out of Tuscaloosa…

The recruiting world is atwitter with the latest volley lobbed in the battle of SEC recruiting.

On Tuesday, word leaked of Ed Orgeron’s shirtless tactics to rally visiting juniors in an effort to pump them up about being a part of the Tennessee culture.

Though the approach was instant fodder for praise and criticism throughout the southern media, one thing was certain: the Volunteers were again at the forefront of recruiting news.

Not everyone was content to stand aside and watch as Lane Kiffin’s staff made wave after wave on the recruiting scene. Not one to readily accept being outdone, we have an exclusive account of Nick Saban’s attempt to one-up Lane Kiffin’s upstart recruiting staff.

One unnamed recruit agreed to comment on what transpired on the condition of anonymity.

“We had just come in from a tailgate with the coaching staff and their families. There was a huge spread of food to choose from and we were able to mingle with all the different people involved in the program.

After awhile, the recruits were rounded up and told to gather in the practice facility to get some parting words from Coach Saban before we left with our parents.

We settled in and a video compilation of Alabama highlights from legends past and present began to play. As the video began winding down, Sweet Home Alabama began to play and everyone was getting really pumped because we love that song and it wasn’t even the Kid Rock rip-off version.”

The prospect continued, “Everyone was on their feet and clapping. Just as the chorus was about to hit, the lights came up real bright and we saw Coach Saban front and center.

But he wasn’t wearing any pants.”

When pressed for details, the anonymous recruit mentioned that the entire coaching staff joined Saban in pantlessness and they then performed a cabaret version of Sweet Home Alabama.

When asked about Saban’s undergarment choice, the recruit bristled when answering the question: “Listen, I wasn’t looking or anything, but it was right there in my face. I really didn’t think he would be a tighty-whitey guy, but you can never really tell these days. It was hard to tell what he was wearing at first as his polo fell just above his waist, but when he did the split it was all out there in the open.

I’m all about being yourself, but just not in my face and not in tighty whiteys, ya know?”

Another recruit was quoted as saying the performance was “uncomfortable,” “disturbing,” and “literally stinging to my eyeballs.”

When reached for comment, Saban shed some light on the unusual tactic.

“If Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron think they can waltz shirtless around the SEC and steal all my recruits, they have another thing coming. I’m no limit. Does he honestly think I’ve won consecutive recruiting national championships by letting socially accepted dress codes stand in my way? Nick Saban doesn’t mess around.”

“Kiffin doesn’t even know what I’m capable of. I’ll take this all the way. He wants to drop shirts? I’ll drop trou. And don’t think for a minute that I won’t go au natural. How do you think I got Julio Jones to commit?

Forget smoke machines and fake press conferences. Kids just need to see what the body of a champion looks like. This is a game of chicken Kiffin doesn’t want to get tangled up in because I will bury him underneath all my discarded clothing.”

Saban was pressed for details on if this was just a reaction to Ed Orgeron’s actions or if this was something that had long been in his repertoire.

“Oh sure. I’ve been dropping my pants for several years now. I actually picked it up from Mike Price. He developed the method in a hotel room in 2003 with some exotic dancers.

He was a visionary but he was also ahead of his time. I decided to reapply the same concept to potential recruits and I think the success is pretty evident.”

The usual tight-lipped Saban continued, “They don’t call me the new “Bare” Bryant for nothing. Pop quiz: what are the 4 things I need to close a recruit?

1. Houndstooth hat

2. Crimson Banana Hammock

3. National title ring

4. A big smile.

And that is how we do it here in the ‘Loosa. Saban out.”

Mal Moore was contacted but refused to comment on this story.