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You probably have never seen one. At least that you know of for sure. Their unique skill set lies in the ability to hide behind a keyboard while hanging out with the enemy. There are assorted reasons for this behavior.
Turns out that early trolls were creatures who would sit in front of large, polished bronze mirrors for hours on end. Unable to understand why someone else was in the room, their ability to reason was diminished.
The resulting atrophy to the right side of the brain oft time manifests itself in their choice of coloring. Some tend to be drawn to a hideous combination of blue and orange. Others by a dismal shade of red called ‘crimson’.
Over time the gene pool has provided a number of subtle, albeit unique characteristics. In a VN exclusive, we break down the five most common species of trolls and their tendencies. A scouting report on trolls if you will.
Garden Variety Troll Quiet by nature. This troll is harmless. It likes to peruse the board looking for assurance that its team will still be able to hang with the Vols after Lane restocks the cupboard with top notch talent.
They have been known to utter a silent pray contented by some to contain the following: “. . . and please see to it that Monte Kiffin retires early and his son fails utterly, amen.”
Mistletoe Troll Name Origin: From sitting at the computer typing with one hand while the other hand holds mistletoe over their head (see photo above).
They want everyone to like them, because they are closet Vol fans. Mistletoe trolls generally exist under impossible circumstances, such as living within 25 miles of a Vol rivals campus. They and /or their spouse attended this school much to their everlasting chagrin. Yet they lack the fortitude to come to the light.
They just want to kiss and be friends with everyone. They tend to go out of their way to compliment the Big Orange and congratulating Vols everywhere when we score a recruiting coup. Often citing, “hey we really wanted that guy to, nice pick up.”
Stealthy Troll Name Origin: Their propensity for disguising their true nature. Using an ambiguous screen name, they often are found hanging on in quiet desperation. Their original mission to undermine and frustrate VN faithful having given way to self doubt and loathing.
They tend to exist in a sort of limbo not knowing who or what they really are. The constant fear of being exposed with subsequent ridicule hangs over their every thought. Their mantra, “plausible deniability”.
Some have become adept at remaining stealthy up to 100 posts. But like Tim Tebow trying to run a pro-style offense in the NFL, getting exposed is only a matter of time.
Bragadocios Troll Name Origin: No need to extrapolate here. It’s pretty obvious. While this species is few in number they seem to pop up everywhere on the board. Typical comments amount to the equivalent of ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ while saying so in your backyard.
Tragic in a way, this troll will concede his team doesn’t have a board as good as VolNation. Their verbiage tends to be nonsense and a typical IQ ranges from 28 to 41 and a half.
We encourage you to examine for yourself the following video link (Be advised, it is video footage of a classic BT out of its element).
Seen here in public using close to 70 percent of it vocabulary, it’s a rare glimpse into the mindset of a real troll.
Notice how it waxes poetic with subtle use of the word ‘GO’. This troll exhibits a lack of hand eye coordination in open spaces, suggesting a lack of time outdoors.
The southern most males often have restricted motor skills due to: an imbalance of hair weight, commonly referred to as a mullet. A secondary effect is the inability to decide on appropriate clothing (i.e. Jorts)
STFU Troll Commonly referred to as a GTFO Troll. As a Vol fan, you probably first acquainted yourself with the ignore button because of these pieces of seaweed. Like trying to run a Mazzarati on kerosene, these creatures are disturbing and upset the natural order of things.
They are responsible for the original plan (which is now on hold) to gather all trolls and place them on an island similar to LOST. Where their self-delusions and natural grating on others nerves can go head to head with a mysterious force that ultimately crushes their will to live.
In the end, where would be without trolls? Their fun to laugh at, argue with, and remind that their orphan like existence on our board is endearing in a pitiful sort of way.
Love them or hate them, they are likely here to stay. But take solace in the fact that now when you come across one, you can identify it properly, deal with it accordingly