Favorite joke...................

#2
#2
Q: How do you get a LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips.

Q: What you get when you put 32 Tide cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a UF grad off of your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

 
#3
#3
(hohenfelsvol @ Dec 20 said:
Q: How do you get a LSU cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips.

Q: What you get when you put 32 Tide cheerleaders in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: How do you get a UF grad off of your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Click to expand...





:lolabove:
 
#4
#4
How many Vandy students does it take to change a flat tire?


Two_One to mix drinks and one to call daddy.
 
#6
#6
Once there was a man who was studying Indian Culture at the local university. During his final year of study he got into a class where he could do field research.

When he arrived at the Indian Camp he noticed a sign pointing toward a teepee, it said, "Me Know Everything."

The young man was curious so he decided to go visit the man who knew every thing.

The young man asked the Old Indian, "You really know every thing?"

The Old Indian replied simply, "Yes"

The young man said to the Old Indian, "If you know every thing then what did George Washington have before he crossed the Delaware River?"

The Old Indian replied simply, "Eggs"

Many years past and the young man was now older and a professor at the local university. He had learned several Indian Languages and wanted to impress the local Indians.

To his surprise when he went back to the Indian Camp the sign was still there for the Old Indian.

He rushed to his teepee and quickly sounded off, "How"

The Old Indian replied simply, "Scrambled"
 
#7
#7
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, " she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
 
#9
#9
I have posted this before somewhere but it is funny and crude.

Q: What do East Indian women and Hockey Players have in common?

A: They both change their pads after three periods.
 
#10
#10
snowmen_scare.jpg
 
#11
#11
Here's one my 8yr old told me:

Q: What do you get when mix a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and Quackers
 
#12
#12
Once there was a lady who was unmarried and wanted a baby. She wanted desperately to have children but for some reason she could not get men to like her. One of her best friends told her to go see Dr. Yun Chow Shin a world renowned fertility Dr.

The lady went and saw the Dr. He took her into an examining room and proceeded to ask her questions.

His only response to the questions was head shaking and Ed Zachary. (Read Dr. Shin parts with your driest Asian voice.)

Then he asked her to take off her clothes and put on an examining gown. Ma'am will you please crawl across the floor on all four? She was hesistant but she did it.

Dr. Shin started shaking his head harder and kept repeating Ed Zachary.

Dr.! Dr.! what is it?

Dr. Shin told her that he knew what the problem was.

Ma'am you have the disease where you face and your butt look EdZachary(exactly) alike.
 
#16
#16
Hey, did you guys hear that the University of Kentucky had to cancel it's nativity scene this year?

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
 
#17
#17
Most of these are corny as hell and stupid but I just got them in email so I thought I'd post them..lol


What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
”Horn”-aments!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She’d go to a “re-tail”shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he’s a “rain”-deer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
”Rude”-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can’t hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will “sleigh” you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-“deer”!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
”Elk”-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the “deer”-bell!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was “elf”-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
 
#18
#18
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten!
One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other’s shoulders!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low “elf”esteem!

How long should an elf's legs be?
Just long enough to reach the ground!

What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!

Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log!

What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!

Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
Elfis!

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner."
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!


 
#19
#19
A young woman gets on the bus with her new baby and the bus driver says, "Lady that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen".

Shaken the woman takes her seat, and the passenger next to her can tell she is visably upset. "What is wrong?" he asks.

"The bus driver just said one of the meanest things you could ever say to a lady", she replied.

To which the man responded, "You should go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I will hold your monkey for you".
 
#20
#20
(Lexvol @ Dec 20 said:
A young woman gets on the bus with her new baby and the bus driver says, "Lady that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen".

Shaken the woman takes her seat, and the passenger next to her can tell she is visably upset. "What is wrong?" he asks.

"The bus driver just said one of the meanest things you could ever say to a lady", she replied.

To which the man responded, "You should go up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I will hold your monkey for you".
Click to expand...




:lolabove:
 
#24
#24
The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)


On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

 
#25
#25

On the 12 days of Christmas, my true love gave to me
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin' tickets
10 tins of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin' dawgs
and some parts to a Mustang GT.
 
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