Favorite joke...................

#26
#26
Blonde Christmas Story


There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's
decorated or not!"
 
#27
#27
Just in case you guys haven't seen this one.

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today,
wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying
$171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six
hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to
$3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to
the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them
one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today
detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips
Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
 
#28
#28
(Lexvol @ Dec 21 said:
Just in case you guys haven't seen this one.

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from USA Today,
wherein you will see that the Pentagon is paying
$171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six
hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to
$3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to
the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my
return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them
one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today
detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips
Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely, A Satisfied Taxpayer
Click to expand...
Couldn't agree with you more. Actually, they just beat me out of about 1400. of my freaking $.What are you going to do?Piss them off and get audited!
 
#29
#29
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
 
#31
#31
A man walks into his house after a long day of work and his wife can tell he is looking depressed. She asks him if he had a bad day. He tells her that he had his annual physical today and the doctor prescribed him pills and instructed him that he had to take one every day for the rest of his life. His wife consoled him saying, "Don't worry hunny, lots of people have to take pills their whole life."

"Yeah, but the doctor only gave me three pills"
 
#33
#33
My father in law from Michigan told me the other day


I heard UT was getting a new coach.I heard he was from China.His name is Win Won Soon.



Ass_________________________!




:whistling:
 
#35
#35
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they suddenly saw a sign that said
"Disneyland Left".The blonde that was driving said "Oh well" and they turned around and went back home.
 
#36
#36
Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."
1. 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do
the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is
not, in fact, up there?"
 
#37
#37
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

"If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I Love you too!!
 
#38
#38
A priest decides one Sunday morning to skip church and play a round of golf instead. He calls his junior priest saying that he is very sick and that he should take over services for that day. The priest then grabs his clubs and heads to the course.

When he starts playing he finds he's having the best game he's ever had. He's hitting the ball further than he usually could, making very distance putts and such. He can't believe it.

Meanwhile, God and one of his angels is watching the game. The angel asks, "Aren't you mad at how he's skipping church to play golf?" God replies, "Kind of. Here watch this." God waves his hand, and the priest makes a hole in one. The angel asks, "I don't get it, why are you giving him the best game of his life?" God replies, "Who is he going to be able to tell about it?"
 
#39
#39
This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
 
#40
#40
One day a father gets out of work and, on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
a nd Divorced Barbie for $265.95"


The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"


The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends."
 
#41
#41
(Rocky Top @ Dec 22 said:
One day a father gets out of work and, on his way home, he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
a nd Divorced Barbie for $265.95"
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and...One of Ken's Friends."
Click to expand...



:lolabove:
 
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