Old man back home (True Story) when stopped by cops:
"No officer, I never drink and drive. I drink first, then I drive."
(think ultimate old anorexic southern santa claus redneck in natural high pitched voice that hasnt bathed in years and only has on clean jeans when he buys a new pair. Like Ernest T Bass on Helium balloons). (P.S. description of said person is also true story.)