Funny Pics thread II

#17,129
#17,129
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#17,141
#17,141
REMEMBER: Reading can seriously damage your ignorance

- The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
- Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.
- Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
- Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at 60 than at age 6.
- Drinking 42 cups of coffee at one sitting will kill you with a caffeine overdose, please stop at 41.
- “The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” “Great, I’ll start later.”
- Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.
- If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.
- Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what the hell is wrong with you?
- “I’m 85 and my body is full of aches and pains.” “Well, I’m 85 and I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really?” “Yep, no teeth, no hair, and I just wet my pants.”
- When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, and 5.
- Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
- When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
- Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”
- Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.
- Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate either one.
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
- If you see me talking to myself just move along. I’m self-employed, and we’re having a meeting.
- “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.
- I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk. Getting sour and chunky.
- Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
- I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. She’s 5 and it’s past her bedtime.
- Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.
- Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
- So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?
 
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