Greatest Movie Rants

[therealUT]

If all of you do not understand my boredom by now, you are going to have to just get one board and get used to it.

Well, if you give me a couple minutes of your time, I got a few things I'd like to talk to ya about. You know, eh, what you did wasn't really your fault. It's what you call, a eh, genetic defect. Mom called it the, the gene. My Grandfather had the gene, he eh, came over from the boat from Ireland in 1912 and I guess he passed it on to my Old Man. My Old Man was a great guy, a real pussy cat, you know hard worker. Big sports fan, but sometimes on his way home from the docks he liked to stop in with the guys and have a couple of beers, ya know. I remember coming home from school one day, and eh, the whole house was dark. Couldn't figure it out. I heard my Mom crying off in the dark someplace, and I was old enough at that point I could reach the light switch. I turned the lights on, and I saw, what he did to her. So I went to my room and I got, the eh, baseball bat. Mikey Mantel model my Old Man give me for Christmas, and I found the Old Man passed out in the bathtub, and I tattooed him. Needless to say, when I came home everyday from school after that, the eh, house is lit up like Ebbet's Field, and the Old Man eh, never drank again. So all I'm saying to you is if you wanna drink, you go ahead and drink. But if I ever find out that you laid your hands on that little girl again, me and Mr. Mantle are gonna pay you a visit my friend.

I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance tomorrow morning ill get up nice and early, take a walk down over to the bank and... walk in and see and uh... if you don't have my money for me, I'll... crack your head wide-open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time that I'm comin' out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your head open again. 'Cause I'm stupid. I don't give a **** about jail. That's my business. That's what I do.

What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of ***** ********. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your ******* fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!

Oh, I see. So what I should do is, I should come home every day and say "Hi honey. Guess what? I walked into this apartment today, where this junkie ******* had just fried his baby in a microwave, because it was crying to loud! So let me share that with you. Come on, let's share that, and in sharing that we'll somehow cathartically dispel all that heinous ****". Right?

You know what? I think I'm gonna use you. I'm telling you now because I'll enjoy it so much more if I know that you could stop me if you weren't such a ******* freak!
You sad, sad freak. I can say whatever the **** I want, and you won't remember. We'll still be best friends. Or maybe even lovers.

I thought all writers drank to excess and beat their wives. You know one time I secretly wanted to be a writer.

I would sell my grandmother for a drink - and you know how I love my grandmother.

I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's ****** up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government ***** in the *** on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bull**** I got two words for that: learn to ******* type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big ******* surprise.

 

[MG1968]

nothing beats Clark's rant about his boss toward the end of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

 

[therealUT]

nothing beats Clark's rant about his boss toward the end of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

This be the one you speak of?

Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-***, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey **** he is. Hallelujah. Holy ****. Where's the Tylenol?

 

[Volsguy12]

haha that one is hilarious ^

 

[superdave1984]

Best movie rant ever is Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men.

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

The Deer Hunter (Rober DeNiro)

"Every time he comes up, he's got no knife, he's got no jacket, he's got no pants, he's got no boots. All he's got is that stupid gun he carries around like John Wayne... Stanley, see this? This is this. This ain't something else. This is this. From now on, you're on your own."

:unsure:

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

Hedley Lamar

"I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull d*kes, train robbers, bank robbers, a**-kickers, s**t-kickers and Methodists."

hmy:

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

Gabby Johnson (Blazing Saddles)

I was born here, and I was raised here, and dadgummit, I'm gonna die here. And no sidewinding, bushwhackin, hornswagglin, cracker croaker is gonna robble way biscuss cudder!​

 

[VolinArizona]

25th Hour

Well, **** you, too. **** me, **** you, **** this whole city and everyone in it. **** the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. **** the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a ****ing job! **** the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in ****ing training. SLOW THE **** DOWN! **** the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their ****s on my Channel 35. **** the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? **** the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you ****ing came from! **** the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! **** the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother ****ers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron ***holes to jail for ****ING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that ****? Give me a ****ing break! Tyco! Worldcom! **** the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst ****in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. **** the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. **** the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! **** the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the **** on! **** the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! **** the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. **** the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, **** JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in ****in' Otisville, J! **** Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist ***holes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! **** Jacob Elinsky, whining malcontent. **** Francis Xavier Slaughtery my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass. **** Naturelle Riviera, I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, ****ing b****. **** my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar sipping on club sodas, selling whisky to firemen, cheering the Bronx bombers. **** this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to ****ing ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

The Gov...

"Holy Underwear!!! Sheriff murdered?! Innocent women and children blown to bits?! We've got to protect out phony baloney jobs, gentlemen! We must do something about this IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATELY! IMMEDIATLEY! Harumph harumph! Harumph harumph! I didn't get a harumph out of that guy."

 

[checkerboard_charly]

25th Hour

That is what i was gonna say VA. By far the best rant in movie history.

 

[therealUT]

The only Spike Lee movie I have ever seen is The Original Kings of Comedy. Most likely, it will be the only one I ever see.

 

[kev20]

Not really a rant, but a pretty nice little speech.

Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a f'n genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pu$$y. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.

Out of order, I show you out of order. You don't know what out of order is, Mr. Trask. I'd show you, but I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fn' blind. If I were the man I was five years ago, I'd take a FLAMETHROWER to this place! Out of order? Who the hell do you think you're talkin' to? I've been around, you know? There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are... executin' his soul! And why? Because he's not a Bairdman. Bairdmen. You hurt this boy, you're gonna be Baird bums, the lot of ya. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are out there, F YOU TOO!

 

[Business]

Chevy Chase as Clarke Griswold in National Lampoon's Vacation (1983)

I think you're all ****ed in the head. We're ten hours from the ****ing fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much ****ing fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our ****** smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're ***holes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy ****!

 

[TXA&M07]

You mean this quote?

Son, we live in a world that has walls.
And those walls have to be guarded by men
with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You,
Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater
responsibility than you can possibly
fathom. You weep for Santiago and you
curse the marines. You have that luxury.
You have the luxury of not knowing what I
know: That Santiago's death, while tragic,
probably saved lives. And my existence,
while grotesque and incomprehensible to
you, saves lives.

You don't want the truth. Because deep
down, in places you don't talk about at
parties, you want me on that wall. You me
there

We use words like honor, code,
loyalty...we use these words as the
backbone to a life spent defending
something. You use 'em as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the
inclination to explain myself to a man who
rises and sleeps under the blanket of the
very freedom I provide, then questions the
manner in which I provide it. I'd prefer
you just said thank you and went on your
way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a
weapon and stand a post. Either way, I
don't give a damn what you think you're
entitled to.

 

[SWIL]

nothing beats Clark's rant about his boss toward the end of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

First rant I thought about opening this thread. :salute:

 

[SWIL]

Where's the Tylenol?!

YouTube - Christmas vacation

*Langauge warning!!*

 

[jamesd1628]

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the Valley of Darkness; for he is truly his brother’s keeper, and the finder of lost children. And, I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers! And, you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

 

[jamesd1628]

All right, Clanton, you called down the thunder, well now you've got it! You see that? It says United States Marshal! . . . Take a good look at him, Ike... 'cause that's how you're gonna end up! The Cowboys are finished, you understand? I see a red sash, I kill the man wearin' it! So run, you cur... RUN! Tell all the other curs the law's comin'! You tell 'em I'M coming... and hell's coming with me, you hear?... Hell's coming with me!

 

[jamesd1628]

I, for one, do not think the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf.

 

[jamesd1628]

Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good, you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.

 

[jamesd1628]

The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven. Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where? Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do? Eleven. Exactly. One louder.

 

[kev20]

YouTube - Sling Blade Doyle Loses It

 

[Lexvol]

Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

 

[Lexvol]

More Christopher Guest brilliance:
I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, "Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop naming nuts," and the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that's what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she'd just start yelling. I'd say, "Peanut. Hazelnut. Cashew nut. Macadamia nut." That was the one that would send her into going crazy. She'd say, "Would you stop naming nuts!" And Hubert used to be able to make the sound, he couldn't talk, but he'd go "rrrawr rrawr" and that sounded like Macadamia nut. Pine nut, which is a nut, but it's also the name of a town. Pistachio nut. Red pistachio nut. Natural, all natural white pistachio nut.