LiO's CLEAN jokes and funny stories thread.

[LadyinOrange]

Some of you folks on here are seriously funny and have made me laugh with your quick witted comments. I know some of you probably have hilarious true stories to tell and good clean jokes to share. I am going to go ahead and tell you up front that whatever you post WILL most likely be retold to my friends and family. The jokes/stories don't have to be sports-related and please do not direct your humor at another poster. If I delete anything I feel is "iffy" it isn't personal. Here is my joke for the day:

Paddy was walking down the street when he saw his buddy Mick driving a brand new Mercedes. Mick pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“ Mick, where did you get that car ?”.
“ Sue gave it to me” Mick replied.
“ She gave it to you ? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya lad, but a new Merc ?”.
“ Well , Paddy, let me tell you what happened...
We were driving out on a country road at 6 in the morning, in the middle of nowhere, Sue pulled off and headed In to the woods. She parked the car, got put , threw off all her clothes and said, “ Mick, take whatever you want”
So I took the car !” .
“ You”re a smart man !“ says Paddy. Them clothes would never have fitted you “.

 

[LadyinOrange]

I'm not saying Kentucky Wildcats basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game. The rest will dress themselves.


Q: Why do all the trees in Tennessee lean north?
A: Kentucky Sucks

Q: Why did the Kentucky regents decide to cover Commonwealth Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Wildcats always look better on paper.

 

[VolFaninFla]

Scene: A sports store.
Customer: Do you have jogging shorts?
Me: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going?

I’ll be here all week! Don’t forget to tip your server.

 

[joevol33]

I've told this somewhere here before, but I used to work part time for a friend who owned a small gas station. I say pop instead of coke or soda, it's relevant. I had some deer jerky in my car, and had just stopped at the grocery store to get pop. I stopped by the gas station I worked at to get gas, and had my oldest daughter with me, she was maybe 4-5 at the time. Anyway, I walked in and sit her on the counter. There were several people inside, including a couple of cops. Everyone was kinda talking to her, and she said certain words funny because she couldn't pronounce them. Someone asked her what we were doing, and she responded "my daddy has pot and beer in the car". She meant pop and deer, but it made for a funny story, and tense moment.

 

[Weezer]

I've told this somewhere here before, but I used to work part time for a friend who owned a small gas station. I say pop instead of coke or soda, it's relevant. I had some deer jerky in my car, and had just stopped at the grocery store to get pop. I stopped by the gas station I worked at to get gas, and had my oldest daughter with me, she was maybe 4-5 at the time. Anyway, I walked in and sit her on the counter. There were several people inside, including a couple of cops. Everyone was kinda talking to her, and she said certain words funny because she couldn't pronounce them. Someone asked her what we were doing, and she responded "my daddy has pot and beer in the car". She meant pop and deer, but it made for a funny story, and tense moment.

Sure....that's what she meant, wink wink.

 

[Vjcvette]

I've told this somewhere here before, but I used to work part time for a friend who owned a small gas station. I say pop instead of coke or soda, it's relevant. I had some deer jerky in my car, and had just stopped at the grocery store to get pop. I stopped by the gas station I worked at to get gas, and had my oldest daughter with me, she was maybe 4-5 at the time. Anyway, I walked in and sit her on the counter. There were several people inside, including a couple of cops. Everyone was kinda talking to her, and she said certain words funny because she couldn't pronounce them. Someone asked her what we were doing, and she responded "my daddy has pot and beer in the car". She meant pop and deer, but it made for a funny story, and tense moment.

Cute!!

 

[HollowaytoSeivers]

Why do Kentucky basketball players write "TGIF" on their Nikes?
To remind them that "Toes Go In First."

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
If it came from anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Interesting questions to ponder:
Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?
Why is cargo moved by ship and shipments moved by car?
Why are stands called stands when you actually sit on them?

Thanks for your time.

 

[joevol33]

Why did the little boy put his dad in the refrigerator?
He wanted a cold pop!

 

[McDad]

I bumped 'Slips of the Tongue' for you. Several good, clean, true stories.

 

[LadyinOrange]

I bumped 'Slips of the Tongue' for you. Several good, clean, true stories.

Loved it! Ty!

 

[Tin Man]

Loved it! Ty!

He’s not Ty, he’s McDad.

 

[Go aeiou]

I'm not saying Kentucky Wildcats basketball players are dumb, but the coach is dressing six players for this Saturdays game. The rest will dress themselves.


Q: Why do all the trees in Tennessee lean north?
A: Kentucky Sucks

Q: Why did the Kentucky regents decide to cover Commonwealth Stadium in cardboard?
A: Because the Wildcats always look better on paper.

Unlike the Wildcats almost 70% of the Alabama football team made straight "A"s last semester.
This semester they are working on round "O"s.

 

[northknoxvol]

When I was around 5 years old i spent a lot of time at my grandparents homes and apparenlty picked up on a phrase or 2 they would say about my Dad. My Dad and his friend took me with them to buy a rifle and the guy behind the counter asked me how my Dad was doing. I told them he was doing pretty good when he wasnt smoking that dope and dranking that beer.

 

[VolFaninFla]

When I was around 5 years old i spent a lot of time at my grandparents homes and apparenlty picked up on a phrase or 2 they would say about my Dad. My Dad and his friend took me with them to buy a rifle and the guy behind the counter asked me how my Dad was doing. I told them he was doing pretty good when he wasnt smoking that dope and dranking that beer.

Snitches get stitches!

 

[LadyinOrange]

When I was around 5 years old i spent a lot of time at my grandparents homes and apparenlty picked up on a phrase or 2 they would say about my Dad. My Dad and his friend took me with them to buy a rifle and the guy behind the counter asked me how my Dad was doing. I told them he was doing pretty good when he wasnt smoking that dope and dranking that beer.

Haha! Tooo funny!!

 

[LadyinOrange]

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County Kentucky, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, . .. . . ....

'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?'

 

[pismonque]

Made this one up myself several years back so keep the expectations in check....

Two nuns walk into a bar. The first nun takes a quick look around and says, “Hmmmm, if we’re going in here I better run back to the convent and change first.” The other nun says, “Oh, nonsense! There’s no need to hide who we are. Surely the good folks in here won’t begrudge a couple ladies of the faith a little libation after a hard day of doing the Lord’s work.” The first nun says, “Oh no, it’s not that. I have a drinking habit.”

 

[bag12day]

Only an Irishman Could use this logic:
Paddy walks into a small pub in Boston and orders three pints of Guinness takes them over to a booth and sits down and drinks all three. Bar tender comes over and says you know you can order one at a time and I’ll bring them as you need. Paddy goes on to explain that when he left Dublin and said good bye to his two brothers (1 remaining in Dublin and 1 moving to Cape Town) they made a pact when one of them raised a pint they would drink one for each of the two brothers missing from the table. Bartender gets all teary eyed and Say that’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
Paddy becomes an every day regular In the pub and the bartender has of course told all the curious regulars in the bar about the three beers. Several weeks go by and Paddy walks through the door and bartender starts pouring his three pints... Paddy stops him when he gets to two grabs them off the bar and walks over to the back table and proceeds to down them. He holds up 2 fingers for 2 more pints. The whole pub hushes as the bartender walks over with the 2 pints and all the regulars turn. Bartender takes off his hat holds it over his heart and says Paddy in the last several weeks you’ve become part of our little family and on behalf of myself and all the regulars here we would like to express our condolences and sadness over your loss.
Paddy looks puzzled for a minute then smiles when he realized what they mean. He says I appreciate the sentiment but both Me brothers are fine as fur... both of these two pints are for them, I decided this morning I had a problem and I need to stop drinking.

 

[Tin Man]

The PHC classic: Two penguins are standing at the edge of the ice shelf. One turns to the other and says, “You look like you’re wearing a tuxedo.” The other replies, “Who says I’m not?”

 

[Plano Vol]

The 50 Best Jokes for Little Kids | The Art of Manliness

I saw this today and thought of you.

 

[Plano Vol]

So the Harvard grad and the Kentucky grad found themselves in a poetry challenge. The moderator gave them the word "Timbuktu" and two minutes to write a poem with the word included.

The Harvard grad came up with;

"Vast and vast the desert sand
Miles and miles of caravan
Riders riding two by two
Destination Timbuktu"

The Kentucky grad countered with

"Me and Tim a camping went
And found three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I buk one and Timbuktu."

 

[LadyinOrange]

The 50 Best Jokes for Little Kids | The Art of Manliness

I saw this today and thought of you.

My students are gonna LOVE those!! Thanks!!

 

[LadyinOrange]

You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off into the wind.

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw were sitting on their porch swing, talking about the good ol’ days. That’s when maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen!

Maw pointed to the sky and said, “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!”

As he stood to his feet, Paw said, “Git me my gun, Maw.”

After briefly running into the house, Maw brought Paw his pump action shotgun.

He took careful aim before taking his shot, then BLAM!

The monster bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops.

With a look of concern, Maw said, “I think ya missed him, Paw.”

“Yeah,” replied Paw, “but at least he let go of Ol’ John!”

 

[StarRaider]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Just let them play at night"

 

[StarRaider]

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
Bartender (to rabbit) what’ll ya have?
Rabbit: No idea man, I’m only here because of autocorrect.