LiO's CLEAN jokes and funny stories thread.

#30
#30
Q: How do you keep a Kentucky player out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: How do you stop a Kentucky player from beating his girlfriend?
A: Dress her in a Tennessee jersey!

Q: What is th difference between a bucket of poop and a Kentucky or Florida fan?
A: The bucket


Q: What does a football player do when he loses his eyesight?
A: He becomes a referee.
 
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#32
#32
StarRaider said:
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
Bartender (to rabbit) what’ll ya have?
Rabbit: No idea man, I’m only here because of autocorrect.
Click to expand...


Ouch, you butchered that one.

The joke goes:

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a blood bank. The guy behind the counter ask the rabbit why he's there. The rabbit responds "I'm Type-O"
 
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#34
#34
I've been hanging out with a bunch of really wonderful people and we all thought our football team would do well but it turns out our football team is a joke.
 
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#36
#36
When I was six years old, the little girl next door came running over. Her mother was pregnant. "Guess what, guess what! Last night my mom had a shower!" I flipped my hair back and said, "That's nothing. Last night Mom washed my hair."
 
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#37
#37
An Alabama fan walks into the doctor's office one day with a hat on. He takes off his hat, and the doctor sees that there is a big frog sitting right on top of his head. The doctor looks at the man and asks him why he has a frog sitting on his head. It was the frog who replied "Actually doc, I was the one who wanted to see you. Can you remove this wart off my butt?"
 
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#39
#39
An Alabama fan, a Kentucky fan, a Georgia fan, and a Tennessee fan are all climbing a mountain, arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Kentucky fan insists that he is the most loyal. He yells out, “This is for Kentucky!!!” and jumps off of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Georgia fan then yells out, “This is for Georgia!!!” and jumps off of the mountain.

The Tennessee fan yells out, “This is for Tennessee!” … and pushes the Alabama fan off of the mountain.
 
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#40
#40
This may only be funny to people from the South:


A pious man was stranded on a deserted island for many years until finally discovered. His rescuers were amazed at his long survival and asked to see where he had survived all those years.

He showed them his homesite which consisted of three huts lined up in a row. He pointed to a hut on one end and said, "This is my house; this is where I eat and sleep and generally spend a lot of my time." He then pointed to the hut on the other end and said, "This is the church I built, in which I spend many hours praying and worshiping God."

The rescuers then asked, "What about the hut in the middle?" The man replied, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
 
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#41
#41
pismonque said:
This may only be funny to people from the South:


A pious man was stranded on a deserted island for many years until finally discovered. His rescuers were amazed at his long survival and asked to see where he had survived all those years.

He showed them his homesite which consisted of three huts lined up in a row. He pointed to a hut on one end and said, "This is my house; this is where I eat and sleep and generally spend a lot of my time." He then pointed to the hut on the other end and said, "This is the church I built, in which I spend many hours praying and worshiping God."

The rescuers then asked, "What about the hut in the middle?" The man replied, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
Click to expand...
Heard a preacher use this once, still makes me laugh.
 
#42
#42
joevol33 said:
Heard a preacher use this once, still makes me laugh.
Click to expand...
I actually posted that a few years ago along with my favorite Baptist joke which I decided not to post here because I didn't want to turn this thread in that direction... but what the heck, here goes:


Why do you have to take two Baptists with you when you go fishing?

Because if you just take one, he'll drink all the beer!
 
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#44
#44
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
 
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#46
#46
pismonque said:
This may only be funny to people from the South:


A pious man was stranded on a deserted island for many years until finally discovered. His rescuers were amazed at his long survival and asked to see where he had survived all those years.

He showed them his homesite which consisted of three huts lined up in a row. He pointed to a hut on one end and said, "This is my house; this is where I eat and sleep and generally spend a lot of my time." He then pointed to the hut on the other end and said, "This is the church I built, in which I spend many hours praying and worshiping God."

The rescuers then asked, "What about the hut in the middle?" The man replied, "Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
Click to expand...
This New York City boy doesn’t get the joke.
I need an explanation.
 
#47
#47
VolFaninFla said:
This New York City boy doesn’t get the joke.
I need an explanation.
Click to expand...
It sounds like a variant of my husband’s joke (he’s Jewish) that there are always two synagogues in town: the one you go to, and the one you used to go to, until you got mad at somebody.

I’m guessing that for pismonque’s joke, it’s because you got mad at the minister. (Pastor; preacher.)
 
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#49
#49
VolNExile said:
It sounds like a variant of my husband’s joke (he’s Jewish) that there are always two synagogues in town: the one you go to, and the one you used to go to, until you got mad at somebody.

I’m guessing that for pismonque’s joke, it’s because you got mad at the minister. (Pastor; preacher.)
Click to expand...
Thank you...I would have never figured that one out on my own.
 
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#50
#50
VolNExile said:
It sounds like a variant of my husband’s joke (he’s Jewish) that there are always two synagogues in town: the one you go to, and the one you used to go to, until you got mad at somebody.

I’m guessing that for pismonque’s joke, it’s because you got mad at the minister. (Pastor; preacher.)
Click to expand...
That’s it. There’s a rich tradition of getting mad, offended, butthurt, etc., not just at the minister but at somebody who said something or some family that thinks they’re whatever, and so on. Cultural touchstone.

There’s a lot more about it that’s funny to me and I was just typing away about it but I just now caught myself and deleted it all. Talk about losing a thread in a hurry....
 
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