My Little Girl

[IBlvNTmWrk]

While I was crying my little 3 year old daughter Ruth walked in on me. She had her blanket with her and that was odd because it was about 3 hours before her bedtime. She didn't say a word just climbed into my lap kissed me and feel asleep in my arms. Somehow that little 3 year old angel knew what I was thinking and I honestly believe she just saved my life.

Duncan... you've shown great strength just in sharing your story, and I applaud you for recognizing the situation for what it was. I pray that the words bolded above in your post will forever be in your heart and in your mind, as you are... without a doubt... meant to live and help raise your family. It is clear that you love your children very much, and just as clear that you are loved by your children very much.

Depression, as some have said, is an imbalance, and when going through periods of depression it is difficult to think rationally... but you did just that. I have a good friend who also goes through cycles, is on medication, but still has periods when he needs to be around others so he is not alone in his thoughts. In addition to therapy, please also seek comfort through your family and/or close friends... anyone you can reach out to whenever you may feel a cycle coming on. And as you have already found out, you have many close friends here on VolNation. You are in my prayers. :hi:

 

[Nerd-Vol]

Praying for you.

 

[ATC_VOL]

I'll be praying for you Duncan.

God, your children, and your VN family all love you brother.

 

[pismonque]

There may not be a straight-up cure out there yet, but you have stumbled upon the next best thing: a parent's love for his kids. There is no hell this world can put forward that I wouldn't walk straight into without hesitation for my children, and I can tell you feel the same. When the hard times come, go there again to your children and find your strength till the cloud passes.

In the meantime, I'm glad you're going back for help, but do the other smart things that have been mentioned here. Get the guns out of your house. Don't make it easy. Whatever your reason for having them around, I'm not knocking that, but for now they're more of a liability than a benefit. Let someone you trust hold onto them.

Be strong and stay strong.

 

[MyBloodRunnethOrange]

Keeping you in my prayers.

 

[goldenvol]

I can't imagine what it feels like to be that low.
I've been through some real rough patches but I always told myself I couldn't hurt the ones that love me.
I also look at my children when I'm low and see the complete innocence and pure love that they are. I cant live without that. They drive me everday. Oh yeah, I love my wife pretty good too. Lol
stay strong brother and always listen to the voice of reason. Push that other voice way down below.

 

[davethevol]

Stay strong, get right with God, and get the guns out of your house. You can get past this.

 

[vol_in_ar]

Wow, that's a tough situation. I feel for you, and I'm sure I speak for us all when I say I'm glad she found you when she did.

That being said, you need to reach out for help, my man. Have you contacted your Psychiatrist or therapist? If not, do so.

Also, with a history of depression, you really shouldn't keep firearms around. As today proved, things can spiral down and put you in a dangerous spot. Find them a safe home.

Finally, if you have thoughts of hurting yourself again, call 911 or your local crisis hotline (a number you should keep in your phone).

I know these are difficult steps, but remember that beautiful angel and promise that you will do whatever it takes to be there for her.

excellent advice

Duncan- Good Luck

 

[utvolpj]

Definitely get some good help. Your children need you there. I have a very close family member who had experienced great results simply changing needs

I was at the ER for my youngest (15mo) on Sat night. Wife was out of town so I had to drag the 3yo with us. He spent the night going between a freaked out dad and a scared little brother giving hugs, holding hands and telling everyone it would be ok. Children have an amazing gift

 

[appyvol]

You have so so much to live for DD! Watching that little girl go to school, taking her to Neyland for the first time, walking her down the aisle among many many other things. Get the help you need and stay strong! I'll be praying for you my friend.

 

[heartvols]

Praying for you, Duncan. Just wondering if writing your feelings down in this thread has helped you in any way. If so, maybe you can write in a journal when you start to get bad feelings again. I don't know if it will help. Just a thought.

 

[vollygirl]

Adding my prayers as well.

 

[Weezer]

As someone who suffers from Bi-Polar Disorder, I can tell you I personally don't have a high opinion of psychiatrists/psychologists. My own experiences with them have been negative. But everyone responds to therapy in different ways. If they help you, by all means, seek them out. I've always wondered if I just had bad luck when it came to doctors(especially psychologists). My own personal opinion is you search out the people who need you and focus on making it through the bad days for them, kind of like what you did with your daughter. No matter how much you want to let go, you know they need you, and despite that little voice trying to tell you they'll be better off without you, you have to remain focused on knowing that isn't true. And I'd seriously get rid of the guns. When things were really dark, I knew having things around that made the temptation so easy had to go. I used to have a knife collection. I gave it to my parents and told them to hide them somewhere I couldn't find them. I didn't want to get rid of them completely, some had sentimental value, but I knew I couldn't have them around me. It would have been too easy.

I've always told my friends, depression is like cancer, but instead of eating away at your body, it eats at your soul. You feel bits and pieces of yourself slipping away and with each piece you lose a touch of your sanity. It really is something you have to live to know, but you'd rather people not know because you don't want anyone else to have to go through it. In my head, I've always likened it as this great, empty abyss trying to swallow you whole. You try to walk this tightrope line and not fall in, but it just keeps pulling at you. And sometimes you fall in. Sometimes you find yourself trapped in the darkest place imaginable. But you have to climb out. It's not easy. It's never easy. But you have to find something to focus on. You have kids who need you, and love you, and when you can't do it for you, do it for them. Life can suck, and I realize what an understatement that is, but it doesn't have to suck for them. If you give in, if you let the disease beat you, you let it into their lives as well. I don't think you want to do that.

 

[dduncan4163]

I've always told my friends, depression is like cancer, but instead of eating away at your body, it eats at your soul. You feel bits and pieces of yourself slipping away and with each piece you lose a touch of your sanity. It really is something you have to live to know, but you'd rather people not know because you don't want anyone else to have to go through it. In my head, I've always likened it as this great, empty abyss trying to swallow you whole. You try to walk this tightrope line and not fall in, but it just keeps pulling at you. And sometimes you fall in. Sometimes you find yourself trapped in the darkest place imaginable. But you have to climb out. It's not easy. It's never easy. But you have to find something to focus on. You have kids who need you, and love you, and when you can't do it for you, do it for them. Life can suck, and I realize what an understatement that is, but it doesn't have to suck for them. If you give in, if you let the disease beat you, you let it into their lives as well. I don't think you want to do that.

You stated it better than I ever could. Stay strong brother stay strong

 

[dduncan4163]

I started taking the steps I needed to today to help myself. I am going back into therapy and am going to change my meds. The paxil just isn't working anymore.

From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank you all for the support and kind words. I was in a very dark place yesterday but I am digging myself out of this hole. Depression is a ***** but I have survived it for over 20 years now and I'll be damned if I let it win now with so many people in my life needing me.

Love you Nation.

 

[kiddiedoc]

I started taking the steps I needed to today to help myself. I am going back into therapy and am going to change my meds. The paxil just isn't working anymore.

From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank you all for the support and kind words. I was in a very dark place yesterday but I am digging myself out of this hole. Depression is a ***** but I have survived it for over 20 years now and I'll be damned if I let it win now with so many people in my life needing me.

Love you Nation.

That's great to hear. I thought of you many times today.

 

[kiddiedoc]

By the way, if you are local and need recommendations on MDs, therapists, etc, let me know.

 

[OldandStillaVol]

I started taking the steps I needed to today to help myself. I am going back into therapy and am going to change my meds. The paxil just isn't working anymore.

From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank you all for the support and kind words. I was in a very dark place yesterday but I am digging myself out of this hole. Depression is a ***** but I have survived it for over 20 years now and I'll be damned if I let it win now with so many people in my life needing me.

Love you Nation.

I am saying a prayer for you. I have personal experience with depression so I know how hard this is. I found it helpful to take it one day at a time; try and do one positive thing a day. Read to your daughter, clean your desk, whatever. Don't try and solve all the problems in your mind at once.

We are pulling for you, brother.

 

[orangebloodgmc]

Hang in there, man.

I used to be on Paxil; Trazodone is working better for me now.

Everyday I feel like I have little or no control in my life, bossed by people even more stupid than me ... but then I get p'd off and declare that I refuse to let the b'tards get me down and I will try my best to outlast em. Because, I'm a Tennesseean.

Hang in there DD.

 

[volinbham]

you are valued - hang in there sounds cliche but you know what we mean. Glad you are seeking the help.

 

[joevol33]

I started taking the steps I needed to today to help myself. I am going back into therapy and am going to change my meds. The paxil just isn't working anymore.

From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank you all for the support and kind words. I was in a very dark place yesterday but I am digging myself out of this hole. Depression is a ***** but I have survived it for over 20 years now and I'll be damned if I let it win now with so many people in my life needing me.

Love you Nation.

Keep fighting friend, I'm still praying for you.

 

[IBlvNTmWrk]

I started taking the steps I needed to today to help myself. I am going back into therapy and am going to change my meds. The paxil just isn't working anymore.

From the deepest part of my heart I want to thank you all for the support and kind words. I was in a very dark place yesterday but I am digging myself out of this hole. Depression is a ***** but I have survived it for over 20 years now and I'll be damned if I let it win now with so many people in my life needing me.

Love you Nation.

Love the determined, positive, get r done attitude DD.

Stay strong.