need advice volnation

#27
#27
I'd get advice from a family counselor on how to adress this with the kids. Your wife's doc might be able to refer you to someone.

Regardless, it sounds like a tough situation and I wish I could do something to help.

You're a good dad for trying to figure out the right thing to do.

I'd err on the side of honesty and transparency. Hang in there buddy.
 
#28
#28
I've never personally dealt with a situation like you are facing, but I believe honesty is the best route to go, even if you don't share all the details.

Will pray for your wife and family. God Bless you all.
 
#29
#29
As someone who went through this as a child, I wish I had known more about my mother's illness. I'm sure the signs were all there for me, but as a twelve year old, I never grasped the gravity of the situation, most likely due to denial. When Hospice arrived, no one explained to me that it was for the terminally ill. I watched my mother fade away for weeks without even realizing it. In the end, I never got to say goodbye to her, and it is something I'm still dealing with sixteen years later. My advice would be to have an honest conversation with your kids. Keep it age appropriate, but make sure they understand the possibilities that may lie ahead. Stay positive and always keep hope, but have firm footing for whatever path you may be led. My thoughts are with you and your family.
 
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#30
#30
My wife's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when my wife was in grade school and fought it on and off for 15 years or so before passing. Even when my wife was college age, her parents wouldn't tell her about any of her mom's relapses to try and protect her feelings. My wife resented being kept in the dark about the truth of the situation. It hurt her that it seemed her parents didn't think she was strong enough to know the truth and be able to provide more support for her mom.

Obviously she was much older than your girls, but just something to consider. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
 
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#31
#31
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. This is a reminder that life is short and precious. God has big plans for all if us if we allow him into our lives.
 
#33
#33
dhendri said:
As someone who went through this as a child, I wish I had known more about my mother's illness. I'm sure the signs were all there for me, but as a twelve year old, I never grasped the gravity of the situation, most likely due to denial. When Hospice arrived, no one explained to me that it was for the terminally ill. I watched my mother fade away for weeks without even realizing it. In the end, I never got to say goodbye to her, and it is something I'm still dealing with sixteen years later. My advice would be to have an honest conversation with your kids. Keep it age appropriate, but make sure they understand the possibilities that may lie ahead. Stay positive and always keep hope, but have firm footing for whatever path you may be led. My thoughts are with you and your family.
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well said
 
#34
#34
I can't pretend to understand how tough your situation is. You will be in our thoughts and prayers though.

(we will still pick on you in the other thread though. you know...)
 
#35
#35
KappinSpaulding said:
I can't pretend to understand how tough your situation is. You will be in our thoughts and prayers though.

(we will still pick on you in the other thread though. you know...)
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Thanks, and I fully understand. I'll take the hazing!
 
#36
#36
joevol33 said:
I don't post in the pub much, usually only football and around the NCAA. I'm not much of one to really talk about very personal things to people, just kind of hide my feelings. Here's my dilemma, my wife is sick, and getting bad. She has systemic lupus, her immune system attacks her organs and she's one if the rare, bad cases. We have 3 kids 2 of them young (9,6) and we don't go into detail with them about how bad it is. Already tried chemo twice, they've watched mom my lose her hair and such. I over heard my youngest ask her older sister during a recent hospital stay, "what if mommy dies this time". I've cried for several days over thus, and wondering if I should talk to them about how bad things are. I'm a christian and I pray, and please no shots at "why would God....." I'm not the going to a psychologist type. Just wondered if any of you have ever faced such a problem. I know none of you know me (did meet some cool vol fans in panama fl during labor day about 5 years ago!) But if you have been there I would appreciate what worked for you. Sorry so long, and if this is in the wrong spot mods.
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Ok, we've dealt with a long term illness for many years and it sucks. My father in law suffers from MS and has been partially paralyzed for most of the past 25+ years. My mother in law has shouldered most of the burden of caring for him with some in-home care and now he is in a rehap hospital full time. From my observation here are some things you need to consider:

1. Education on the disease. Learn everything you can about it and what treatments work etc. Learn about any holistic or nutritional remedies, life style aids etc. Don't be afraid to get educated as it can be your best weapon.

2. Communicate with your kids about the different effects of the disease. They should understand what is happening when your wife has a bad day, what is happening during treatments etc. They should know how they can help her. The more they understand, the more they can be supportive--and kids are great at handling stuff when they know what is going on. They will be fearful if they don't know what is happening, so I always recommend keeping them in the loop. You might need to translate things into kid language, but they can understand and handle more than you think.

3. Self care. You will spend a lot of time and effort helping your wife. You need to spend some time taking care of yourself. That could be seeking routine counseling, joining a counseling or support group, joining a bible study and so forth. You should take care of your own health (mental, physical and spiritual) so you can be there for her. You won't be any good to her if you get sick from stress or overexertion so be mindful of your own needs. Obviously, don't take it to the extreme, but working out, eating right, etc, should have a place in your life. Oh, yeah, you have the house and kids to take care of as well as she won't always be able to--so that puts your own health at even greater importance.

4. If you can pay for something to make things easier, do it. If you can afford a maid every once in a while, eating take out, hiring a sitter, a lawn service etc. go ahead, it will take some of the burden off of you and your wife and give you back some time and energy to spend on other things.

5. Communicate with your boss. Let the boss know you have this issue so they cut you some slack if you are late or need to work out of the house occasionally (if possible).

6. Spend some time focusing on the relationship between you and your wife. You married her for a reason and this is that "or worse" time you talked about in your vows. But it doesn't need to be all bad. You can still go out on dates and have your special occasions. Those good times will make the bad times easier to handle.

7. Stay close to God. Pray, study, talk with your Pastor and you'll get peace and comfort along the way.

Hang in there, brother.
 
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#38
#38
joevol33 said:
I agree with this whole heartily, u guess the guy in me feels weak if I try face to face. I know I gotta get past that though.
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Yes you do....your current situation requires a very strong man and father. There's no shame in asking for help brother. Nobody, especially a doctor, father or pastor will see you as weak. I wish you strength and stamina my friend...... You'll do what's right for the kids and your wife .
 
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#39
#39
I figured I'd give an update in case anyone wondered, and you guys sincerely offered advice and thoughts and prayers. After me and my wife talked and prayed about it, and I opened up to a couple of people, we had an in depth talk with my girls. Naturally they are upset, but I truly think they appreciated the honesty. They understand the fight isn't over, and their mommy is more than likely looking at chemo again. Like little troopers though, they have vowed to help her and myself around the house more. That made me very proud of them. Your words and encouragement on here meant more than I can express, honestly teared me up. I love that about volnation. We may fuss and argue over sports and such, but more than my situation I have seen you guys support each other, and I thank you. Though it is hard, my faith is still remains that God is in control. Romans 8:28! Thanks guys.
 
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#40
#40
joe, I just noticed this thread. I am very sorry for what your family is going through.

Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
 
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#41
#41
I don't know what kind of treatment your wife is receiving. I hope it is top-notch, but I also would suggest looking into facilities that are conducting new protocol studies. The treatments tend to be more aggressive than what is in current practice and in our case (brain cancer) it was a life saver against all odds.

NIH/NCI and other research facilities might be worth your consideration. I am convinced that a lot of prayer, strong will, and amazingly good doctors in a research environment saved her life. Her own doctor (neurosurgeon) told her "this is going to kill you" after he performed the surgery.

That was almost 20 years ago. They don't know everything. Everyone has to make their own calls but a very (at the time...waaaay very!) aggressive treatment was the right answer for us.
 
#42
#42
f77f00 said:
I don't know what kind of treatment your wife is receiving. I hope it is top-notch, but I also would suggest looking into facilities that are conducting new protocol studies. The treatments tend to be more aggressive than what is in current practice and in our case (brain cancer) it was a life saver against all odds.

NIH/NCI and other research facilities might be worth your consideration. I am convinced that a lot of prayer, strong will, and amazingly good doctors in a research environment saved her life. Her own doctor (neurosurgeon) told her "this is going to kill you" after he performed the surgery.

That was almost 20 years ago. They don't know everything. Everyone has to make their own calls but a very (at the time...waaaay very!) aggressive treatment was the right answer for us.
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Her doctors are trying to get her worked into the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville. They said the Dr's down there could spend a couple of days doing their tests and maybe come up with a plan to slow this disease in her case. Its looking like it'll be a couple of months, but hopefully they can help.
 
#43
#43
joevol33 said:
Her doctors are trying to get her worked into the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville. They said the Dr's down there could spend a couple of days doing their tests and maybe come up with a plan to slow this disease in her case. Its looking like it'll be a couple of months, but hopefully they can help.
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That is awesome. Best wishes. Research doctors are sometimes on another level from my experience.
 
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#44
#44
joevol33 said:
Her doctors are trying to get her worked into the Mayo clinic in Jacksonville. They said the Dr's down there could spend a couple of days doing their tests and maybe come up with a plan to slow this disease in her case. Its looking like it'll be a couple of months, but hopefully they can help.
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That is good to hear. Mayo Clinic is top of the line. Continued prayers for you and your family as you go through this journey together.
 
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