You slackers trying to take cargo shorts from the average white hetero male father and husband need to back up. Next thing you'll tell me white New Balances are off limits. That is a bridge too far. A bridge too far I say.
New balances are the truth.
1a. There’s a reason men don’t carry purses. We were not meant to carry so much. Cargo shorts are an enabler.
2a. Camo wearing by non military/hunting folk comes with its own judgement unless it is worn specifically to honor those who have been in the military.
3. Open toed sandals/flip flops are also only permissible under strict circumstances. 3a. Flip flops: beach only, no exceptions. 3b. Sandals: outdoor activities that involve water OR summer time outdoor activities sans water. 3c. Birkenstocks: without socks, at home or within a football field of it, see also 3a and 3b.
1b-2b. Combined, there is a level of dorkitude that borders porkitude and we would all be better off if we just left the cargo shorts in the garbage where they belong. Tool belts and backpacks are better and more effective alternatives.
1c-2c-3c. Now, when you combine the holy loserdom trifecta of improper camo use, cargo shorts, and open toed footwear, you get a creature so hideous and nauseating that they would win any punchable face contest by default. Introduce, dorkwitz, your neighbor you really wish wouldn’t talk to you, and
@Glitch on a Wednesday approximately 5:30pm (also your neighbor you wish wouldn’t talk to you).
This concludes class 1 male fashion 101. Class 2 will be tomorrow at precisely 5pm. We will start by discussing all things socks (when to wear or not wear socks and what types of socks are appropriate for a given occasion), types of boots and when appropriate to wear them, and ideal shorts length.