The Topic That Will Never Die

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#10,590
#10,590
Here's a Golden oldie I thought the newbies might enjoy...........Dear Friends,My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will besomething akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this ****!" Well, Ihave outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true storychronicled on the History Channel in the near future. Here goes.Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled myfancy. (Note: keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I boughtsomething really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and Iwas looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer with a clip. For thoseof you who are not familiar with this household security product, it is aless-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate anassailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while youflee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with nolong-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate timeto retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your basic 250 lb.tattooed sociopath assailant, push the button, and it will render him aslobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. Ifyou've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missingout--way too cool!Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAAbatteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was sodisappointed. Upon reading the directions (I'm an techno-geek...we don'tneed no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that thisparticular model would not create an arch between the prongs. Howdisappointing! I do love fire for effect, and unchained electrons are just awhole bunch of fun. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, andpressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arc of electricitydarting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!!Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yetto explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that itcouldn't be all that bad with only two little bitty AAA batteries, etc.,etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul), reading the directions (that would be me doin' the readin',not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on aflesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for afraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herselfagainst a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work asadvertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to meat the time...So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glassesperched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazerin another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock anddisorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause musclespasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedlymake your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All thewhile I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin'way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Thoseof you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'msitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side asto say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such atiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinkingunder the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself aone-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision islike hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a baddecision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don'tya hate that?)I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****!DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through thefront door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on thecarpet eight or nine times. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in thefetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet,with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie wasstanding over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking myface, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "That was fun! Do it again, do itagain!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, onenote of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zapyourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodgedfrom your hand by your violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you'relucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh likeyours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't besure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (whatlittle I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasseswere on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it hadbeen shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take anounce or two, I'm pretty sure.By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'moffering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome ifI must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
 
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