I Lost Her

#27
#27
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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Volnation loves you bro. Keep your friends and family close at this time. So sorry for your loss my friend.
 
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#28
#28
Oh, man, Duncan. I am so sorry, brother. Prayers with you and your family. She's in a better place, we all know that.
 
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#32
#32
dduncan4163 said:
Thank you all from the deepest part of my heart.
Click to expand...

You’re a good man, a faithful husband, and a model of strength for your kids. Not to mention your faith which will be your rock during the grieving process. So sorry you had to let her go, Duncan. I will be praying for you and your kids. Stay in touch with your Vol family on here.
 
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#35
#35
I'm so sorry... I knew I hadn't seen in an update in a while. Life can be cruel. Best wishes and prayers for you and your family during this time.
 
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#36
#36
I wish you and your family Joy.

I know that you are surrounded by darkness and sadness right now and you cant imagine ever being happy again. This will pass and Joy will return and when it does so will your wife. You will see her face in the smiles of your children and hear her voice in their laughter.
 
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#38
#38
I don't know you at all, but I can say from a human being perspective , that reading that truly kicked me in the gut. Nobody should have to go through that kind of misery, but just know that by sharing your struggle you may have helped another person that is going through, or will go through something similar , a way to cope just a little better knowing that they aren't alone in that depth of sadness. The color will return man. Your world will never be the same, but you will eventually find peace and happiness knowing that your wife is in a much better world and she is pain and sickness free. She wants you to make the most of your time left on Earth and make her proud. Life is a short journey , no matter when your time is up. You and your kids will see her again , and it will be unimaginably better than ever before. Hang in there and allow yourself to live on for her and your kids.
 
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#39
#39
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
Click to expand...


Dennis, I’m very sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
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#42
#42
I am so sorry for your loss, such a touching story. Others that read this will learn lessons from this and I am grateful that you shared it. As we all get older, the appreciation of life becomes stronger and stronger. We should each show our friends and especially family members how much we love and respect them. As my children and grandchildren get older, I am reminded how short life is and I attempt to praise the Lord for each day that I am blessed.

Thank you for sharing this with us, and again I am so sorry for your loss.
 
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#48
#48
I am truly sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family. I have a 17 year-old boy, and I can't imagine him having to go through something like your son had to. God bless you and your family!
 
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#50
#50
I have no words, except that your Laura was a warrior & inspiration. We were Facebook friends & she responded to cards & posts. She adored you & those children, Dennis. You stood with her, & we are with you, brother. Lean upon friends, family - the Lord
 
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