I Lost Her

#51
#51
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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Hate that you joined this club. Full of tears...and I don’t cry easily. I’ll do what I can. My daughter was 15 when my wife went. She tried to act like she was handling it...don’t believe them. Prayers.
 
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#54
#54
Duncan, I am so sorry for your loss. You gave your wife the greatest gift she could ever ask for in dying with dignity, in her home, surrounded by your family's immeasurable love. Your children absolutely needed to be there. They will cherish that memory the rest of their life. By no means is it the death that will be a fond memory but, they will remember her last smile, that they got to tell her they loved her, they were with her until the end, and that she died in peace. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing your personal life with us. There are so many life lessons in your poetic story. My prayers today will be for you and your family.
 
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#59
#59
I'm so sorry. It's easy to read posts without thinking much about the humanity of the people that compose them. Putting all of that out there was absolutely beautiful and very brave. As silly as it seems, I hope an outlet like this can help you find your way back to some sense of comfort and "normal".
 
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#60
#60
My sincerest condolences. In a few weeks it will be 8 years since I lost my wife to cancer so I know how just how much it hurts.

Put your trust in our Lord to get you through these trying days. Take comfort in knowing that she is no longer in any pain and that you will see each other again.
 
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#62
#62
I’m very sad to hear of your loss. Praying Jesus will hold you and your family in his arms and comfort you with his promise of everlasting life. I played this for my wife at her funeral in 2016 and it helped me. I hope it comforts you.
 
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#63
#63
Mr. Duncan, those beautiful words you wrote describe the beautiful lady that you married and that beautiful family that the two of you raised. Thankfully, she's in no more pain. I pray for God to comfort you and your family and for you to see your wife's beauty each and every day in unexpected places and things. She's always with you.
 
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#66
#66
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my 22 month old daughter in June of 2004. One of the first days that I started to feel "normal" again after that was sitting in our season ticket seats in Neyland Stadium watching my Vols defeat Alabama. Watching the Vols play that day and the rest of the season truly helped pull me out of a dark place. I hope the Vols and the fanbase can help you heal as it did myself.
 
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#71
#71
Brother, your post took me back to losing my family members. Heart wrenching. I can only imagine where you are right now.

I want you to know you are allowed to grieve however long you need and in whatever way you need. Don't let anyone tell you when you have to get over it and move on.

Also, please find a grief counselor you trust. Many churches offer this service even if you aren't a member.

Your family here has your back.
 
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#73
#73
Keep the faith brother. You will see her again. Many of us have been missing your fine sense of humor. I pray Dennis that god will give you all the power and grace you need to get through this.
 
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#75
#75
Sorry for your loss OP. I just read a devotional today about King David clinging tight to God after the loss of His infant son. God was with Him every step of the way as He is with you.
 
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