I Lost Her

#152
#152
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month fight Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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This is heartbreaking..Im sorry for your lost man..I will keep you and your family in my prayers..🙏🏽
 
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#155
#155
I'm so sorry for your loss and for your pain. May you find healing and peace through your trying time.

I'll always have your back, as much as a VN buddy can. You'll get through this. We're here for you!
 
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#158
#158
I rarely post on this site and we don't know each other at all. However, I do sympathize greatly for your loss. I offer this perspective and one small bit of advice. The advice is get the kids in counseling regardless of how well you think they are doing. I lost my dad, to cancer, when I was 14 (55 now) and I did not handle it well at all. Some counseling for you could be a great help as well. The perspective is this, my mom is now 88 and has had a pretty good life. She never remarried or even dated. She also still misses him. I don't think that will ever go away and the hole will never be filled like it was....but I'm quite sure she would want you to enjoy what life you have left and enjoy any grandchildren for you both and teach them about her.
God bless you and yours and best of luck.
 
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#160
#160
I'm so sorry for your loss. He are the words to a song called "someday" by blue highway. This helped me when I lost my grandfather. Listen to it if you get a chance on you tube. She doesnt suffer anymore.

Some day when my last line is written
Some day when I've drawn my last breath
When my last words on earth have been spoken
And my lips are sealed in death
Don't look on my cold form in pity
Don't think of me as one dead
It'll just be the house I once lived in
My spirit, by then, will have fled
I'll have finished my time here allotted
But I won't be in darkness alone
I will have heard from Heaven
The summons to come on home
And when my body is in the grave
Don't think that I'll be there
I won't be dead, but living
In the place Jesus went to prepare
And after all is said and done
Know that my last earnest prayer
Is that my loved ones be ready
Someday to meet me there
 
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#163
#163
Man that is awful news. I teared up reading this ; and only know you from on here. So Sad to see great people leave us too soon. Fungal Pneumonia . Hmm. I've heard it is in the air we breathe; and even people with healthy immune systems succumb; or it takes sometimes a year to recover. "Aerosol Geoengineering" is suspected . I don't know; but your loss is so very tragic. Deeply saddened.
 
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#170
#170
I don’t post much (long time lurker tho) but had to share my condolences. Me and my wife had a scare and I know how I was without even knowing anything. You are a damn strong man and have obviously raised a very strong young man! No words can say what any of us truly feel or want to convey. I will just say that I’m truly sorry for your loss and just keep doing what you’re doing with the kids because y’all have obviously done something right. Oh and don’t feel bad for talking to her because she will always be with you.
 
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#171
#171
You and yours have my deepest sympathy for this very very heavy loss. Keep one foot in front of the other moving forward, some days it will be one baby step and other days more will come. Fight for neutral if you have to, just don't let things slip into reverse.

and keep that parakeet boom gif coming my friend!!
 
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#172
#172
Duncan your a great person and dad. Hang in there for your kids. If every couple loved their other like you and your wife loved each other this would be a better place. Your post makes me realize what is important in life. God bless you hang in there man.
 
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#174
#174
So sorry to hear you lost the love of your life.

Cherish the good times and spoil them kids. Get them counseling if they need it and yourself.

Often times, this isn't something you get over, it is something you get through.

Prayers for you/your family and VolNation has your back in your time of need!
 
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