I Lost Her

#103
#103
Dennis words cannot express my thoughts to you and your family!! I have often wondered how your lovely wife and soulmate was feeling. My endless prayers are still with you and the children because I know Laura is in a place so much better than where we are!! Be there for your children like know you are and the young man is going to need extra help for a while and I will give him an extra prayer!!
 
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#105
#105
Duncan I know your pain, on Dec 2, 2016 I lost my wife who I had been with for 22 years. My daughter was 14 at the time. She was in mmc at UT for 2 months before we brought her home for hospice care. She lasted a week at home. I cant tell you it get better just that it will take some time. I would look at my daughter and know I had to make it through another day. Sometimes it feels just like it did that day, then they are the times she comes to me in dreams and its worse than before and sometime it helps through a week. But I can tell you your son now is your whole world and only priority.
 
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#106
#106
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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I am so so sorry dduncan. I am crying for your sadness and for the beauty of your love for her.
 
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#110
#110
volnightlong said:
Saw this once and I hope it brings you the comfort it has brought me each time I've read it.

"It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

You and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.
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I thought I'd finished crying and then I read this. Every word is true. Every single word.
 
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#115
#115
So very sorry for your loss, Duncan. You and you family will be in our prayers. May God cast a ray of peace over you and your family during these dark times. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to and know that volnation has your back and is with you.
 
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#116
#116
dduncan4163 said:
Okay, this will be the third time I've attempted this and I really hope I can let it all out. Here goes

After a 15 month battle Laura's battle with Leukemia came to an end March 23 at 3pm. She took her final breath at home in my arms surrounded by our oldest son Dennis and her mother and sisters. There was no pain and she was at peace. She began taking a turn for the worst around the 15th. We went to Vanderbilt for a infusion and her counts had completely cratered. They gave her two units of blood and they wanted to admit her into the hospital. She freaked out and looked me in the eyes and said" Baby please don't make me go back into the hospital. I can't do hospitals anymore. I just want to be at home." It gutted me because that was the moment I knew she had nothing left in the tank. I could not tell you how long I held her and wept in that office. She got the blood and for 6 days she could walk, drive and live a relatively normal life. Then she started hacking up mucus and I took her to our local doctor and we found out she'd developed Fungal Pneumonia and her immune system was non existent. We knew that was it and she looked at me and said don't let me die in a hospital. I want to die at home. We contacted Hospice and I brought her home and called to get her family here from Arkansas. The hospice nurse gave me meds to keep her pain and anxiety at bay but I barely had to use them because once everyone got here she was at peace. The next morning she lost consciousness and at 3pm she finally found her eternal peace. Me and Dennis dressed her in her favorite tie die bandana and sweater and just held her and listened to favorite songs till they came and removed her.

My son is only 16 and he would not leave her side. I didn't want him to have to see what he saw but he wouldn't take no for an answer. He's so strong, mature and responsible. He's wise beyond his years and I'm so amazed and thankful I can call him my son. I just hate that he had to grow up so fast. It just isn't fair. Our kids have been through hell and there wasn't anything that could change that brutal reality. They are bouncing back though. Just like their mother they're made of strong stuff.

I have just kind of existed these past 11 days. Yesterday was my first real meltdown. The kids were in school and for the first time the silence in this house became deafening. I forgot she was gone for a moment and called out to her asking if she wanted some Chinese take out for lunch. When she didn't answer I realized I had completely left reality for a minute. She was supposed to be in that living room writing letters and painting like she always does. It hit me like a semi truck. She's gone and she's never coming back. She's the first thought each morning and last each night. I'll wake up at night and reach out for her only to realize her side of the bed is empty. I have never felt so empty. The best part of me is missing. She was my smile. She was my laughter. She was my everything. My lover and my sweetest friend. I've lost so many family and friends through the years but I have never experienced grief like this. I didn't know pain like this could exist. My kids are the only things keeping me going. If we had never had kids I know I wouldn't survive this. I wanted to go with her and I still do. Colors are dull now. Everything tastes bland and even the simplest of tasks can become overwhelming. The pain just won't stop. The only reprieve I can get is being with my kids. They are four pieces of her that I still have. I see her every time I look at them. I made her a promise that I would see this through and raise them and that's a promise I will keep.

Laura baby I never deserved you. and I will never know why you chose me. You taught me how to love and be loved. You taught me how to be human and showed me that feeling didn't equal weakness. You taught me to love myself and showed me how to make bonds. I was a feral dog you turned into a life long companion. You saved me baby. You saved my life. I don't know how I'm going to do this without you. but I will. I just miss you so damn much. You took my heart with you. I still can't believe your gone. I wish I could have taken the cancer from you. Why did it have to be you? Why wasn't it me? I never wanted to be on this side of it. I couldn't protect you from this. I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry my love. I'm so damn sorry.

I'm never going to stop missing you. I'm never going to love again. You were my soul mate. You were my true love. We had something that most never get to experience. We were two souls that became one. You were the best part of me.

Goodbye my Love




It's humiliating to have to ask but I did have to start one final GoFundMe for burial expenses. I was able to save a good chunk and they were gracious enough to set up payment plans. I should have been better prepared for this. and I'm so damn sorry I got my hand back out. I promise this is the last time and thank you all all the support you have given us over these past 15 months. The weekly trips to Vanderbilt, babysitters, and missed work just drained what little resources we had.

Click here to support Laura's Burial Fund organized by Dennis Duncan

Well Nation there it is. I actually got it all out. I'm back from here on out. Volnation is my first step towards resuming life.. I don't think I would have kept my drive and sanity without you guys. Yall kept me grounded and focused so I could take care of her. Yall keep me standing. From the bottom of my heart THANK YOU. I will forever remain indebted you each of you. I love you all with all my being.
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Hang in there man. I know that is easier said than done as my wife fought the lymphoma battle in 2017 and by the grace of God she is in remission. Hope things get better but it will take time and I'm sure she would want you to be happy.
 
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