I get it. And I'm not just saying that for reaction. I've been on anti-depressants since my teenage years, and they really don't work that great. But I find ways to hold on for those around me. When you feel like you're drowning in darkness, and the pain just never stops, it overwhelms one's natural reasoning, or allows one to reason that just maybe in death there will finally be peace. Depression that deep is soul cancer. It eats away at the core of who you are, and tricks you into thinking you're worthless, and that your loss will not be felt. You think those you love will be better off without the burden you see yourself as being. There is nothing rational about it, so trying to see it rationally is pointless. But if you've felt it, you know it, and you understand how it happens. Not justifying it in any way. I've been on the other side of having lost someone to suicide as well, and there is no justifying the pain of those left to grieve.