Trust and Spouses

[Orangedogsrule]

I'm wondering what is normal behavior?

After 37 years of marriage, I've come to believe there is no normal behavior, only behavior. You'll find that couples go up and down. A few you least think will work it out do. A few you think are Ozzie & Harriet blow up their marriage and everyone around.

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

It depends on what they ***** about. Is your wife also *****ing about things you can fix? Better fix them, because if you fart in bed, leave up the toilet seat, never hit the dirty clothes hamper when you go for three points, "spend your life on VN" (what I get)? over the years abrasive behavior becomes staw after straw until.... Or, is it because her friend(s) is/has fallen out of love? Maybe even really is repulsed by the guy who is now not the guy she married?

Do you keep things from your spouse?

Pretty much nothing, but there are a few things I suppose.

What kind of things and why?

I mostly don't tell her when she makes me mad or dissapoints me.

You know like..."Oh! You've actually HEARD the brakes grinding for a week?!! What!!??? Frickin LONGER!!!"...
I let my anger cool, let myself understand her reasoning, whether or not I come to think it's sound.

The most important thing is that's a two way street. Wife- "So you, you idiot, put my most expensive clothes in the DRYER!???...."

Remember, there's 50 ways/reasons to leave your lover. You sleep with the window open, she sleeps with the window closed.

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

No, not ever. Not even once. Nor do I look at her credit card statement. Trust builds trust.

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

CPL 2: Wife cheats, husband knows and is leaving.

CPL 1:Your besties?

Some women (wife 1) have things they will not ever tell men. There's an ephemeral/maleable 'girl code' just like the 'guy code'. More important than either is the 'spouse code' you have with your wife.

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

hmmmmmmmm...this wife 1 knows all, tells all, but don't tell what she told, eh? Is she a gossip or is she depending on your wife to be her close confidant upon whom she can share things she does not want to bear alone?

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

Cheating isn't fine unless it's an open marriage. And I don't think that's fine. In fact, I've never seen one work. I have a 'Big Story' on one close friend who was almost my best man, but it's not germane except sex outside marriage almost always destroys the love/intimacy necessary to long term commitment to each other. They all ended up in divorce.

Some things are secrets you need to carry to your grave because some work through all issues, only love each other more for it, and wind up 35 years later with their best friend, their lover, the one they can't imagine being in the world without.

 

[rockydoc]

I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

Sounds like may have potential here for a reality TV show called "Wives of Arizona".

 

[Roustabout]

I think you need to pick better friends.

 

[1972 Grad]

I'm wondering what is normal behavior? I have a few questions and then the drama is below if you want context for why I'm asking:

Would you be concerned if your wife and her friends spent a good deal of their time *****ing about you or is that just what wives do?

Do you keep things from your spouse? What kind of things and why?

Do you check your spouse's phone, either secretly or with them knowing?

Context:
My wife and I have friends that we are concerned about. The wives in the group are always *****ing about their husbands and my wife doesn't really like to hang out with them unless the guys are around because of it.

Couple 1 are our best friends in the group.

Wife 2 is pretty much cheating on her husband and I guess he is moving out. Wife 1 told my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband? Why not?

Wife 3 is pretty unhappy with her husband. Not sure if it's gossip getting blown out of proportion or if they are actually in trouble. Wife 1 tells my wife not to tell me and that she hasn't told her husband.

Husband 4 is a cheater and all the wives hate him for it, despite the fact that they are all hiding that wife 2 is cheating. He even hit on wife 1. Another thing I'm not supposed to know about and her husband doesn't know.

I think couple 1 and couple 3 can be saved but I feel like we need to get them away from the group. Maybe I'm just over-reacting because it's not how our relationship works and those 2 are just fine?

That is why I have almost no friends, and the ones that I have don't live in this town. My wife is the same. We are basically a union of 2 loners. It works somehow.

 

[MyBloodRunnethOrange]

I have no secrets from my wife and she's the only person on earth that I trust implicitly.

 

[mdrew27]

I once ask my dad if he was ever concerned that mom cheated on him, and he said "no." I asked why are you so sure and he said "there's no doubt in my mind your mom would never do something like that." It's honestly how I feel about my wife. It just doesn't cross my mind.

 

[1972 Grad]

I have no secrets from my wife and she's the only person on earth that I trust implicitly.

I also have no secrets, but I do have a couple of friends that have my full trust.

 

[SDV]

I once ask my dad if he was ever concerned that mom cheated on him, and he said "no." I asked why are you so sure and he said "there's no doubt in my mind your mom would never do something like that." It's honestly how I feel about my wife. It just doesn't cross my mind.

Same

 

[Coug]

I would run away from all that drama.

To your questions:

No. People need to vent.

Not intentionally.

No. Reverse is also no for her.

I'm with 95 on this. I think you and your wife should distance yourselves from this entire group. These sound like some shady people. If these people can't even treat their significant others with respect how much respect and weight do you think they put into yours and your wife's friendship with them?

 

[weallvol]

That is why I have almost no friends, and the ones that I have don't live in this town. My wife is the same. We are basically a union of 2 loners. It works somehow.

Same here for 25 years I have the only friend I will ever need or want

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

Cut off ties with husband #4. You will be guilty by association.

Shouldn't his wife distance herself from Wife #2 for the very same reason?

 

[Rasputin_Vol]

Hiding money from your spouse is the same as cheating. Just thought I would throw that out there.

 

[Biopsyman]

Hiding money from your spouse is the same as cheating. Just thought I would throw that out there.

What about investing?

 

[GAVol]

Hiding money from your spouse is the same as cheating. Just thought I would throw that out there.

I wouldn't say It's the same, but it definitely isn't a healthy thing to do If you're hiding anything resembling a significant amount of money.

 

[InVOLuntary]

I wouldn't say It's the same, but it definitely isn't a healthy thing to do If you're hiding anything resembling a significant amount of money.

Every man should have a secret little slush fund. Nothing wrong with that. 😈

 

[YorkVol]

I don't hide anything from my wife, not on purpose anyway. I like to think she doesn't from me. She doesn't seem to, but she is very cautious with her phone. That's probably because every time she falls asleep, I'll get on her Facebook and post Georgia sucks. Neither of us get mad for the other talking to someone and stuff like that. We haven't had a lot of experience with friends being unfaithful like you mentioned. She did have a sister who was cheating a few years ago, and I worked with her husband. My wife is straight forward with rights is right, and wrong is wrong no matter who it is. Her sister told her she was gonna trash their house and call the cops like he did it so it would look bad on him in the court/custody hearing. My wife told me to tell him cause he was a good guy, and it was wrong. I told him and he told the cops, and they busted her trashing the place. It was pretty funny to me, even though she hated me (and still kinda does) for it😬. Not close to your situation, but I thought I'd share.

Not going to answer the questions as I think the answers are obvious. Just want to point out those relationships aren't your responsibility to fix. May save you some headaches if you just let them handle their own issues.

 

[GAVol]

Every man should have a secret little slush fund. Nothing wrong with that. 😈

Hence the reason I hedged a little.

That's an interesting question though. How much money do you have to squirrel away before it goes from slush fund to a trust issue?

 

[joevol33]

Not going to answer the questions as I think the answers are obvious. Just want to point out those relationships aren't your responsibility to fix. May save you some headaches if you just let them handle their own issues.

? I didn't ask any questions?

 

[BenGrimm]

I think a lot of people ***** about their spouses because that's what society has kinda conditioned us to do. Think about all the TV shows and movies where a running gag is one person trying to avoid their spouse. I think it's just dmgrsined in some people's subconscious.


Two of my closest guy friends ***** about their wives constantly. It's mostly just petty ****. Nothing really scandalous. I always figure it's just them needing to vent and as far as I know it's nothing they don't say to the wives faces. I'm sure their wives ***** about them too LOL.

My wife is type A and I'm type B so we balance each other out pretty well. Sure there are arguments here and there where she has to blow off a little steam. As for checking phones and stuff... I don't really like her looking at my texts with my buddies because she will take some inside joke out of context and get mad at me for something stupid. However I don't really hide anything because my messages show up on my iMac too so she could check it whenever she wants. I make no effort to conceal that. I've only really looked at hers when it pops up on the lock screen. I've never opened her phone to read a whole text thread to see what she was up to and I don't think she has ever done that to me.

 

[InVOLuntary]

Hence the reason I hedged a little.

That's an interesting question though. How much money do you have to squirrel away before it goes from slush fund to a trust issue?

I think it depends on your personal situation. If your family is barely struggling to meet the bills and everyone in the family is sacrificing, I think having a few hundred hidden away may not be in the best interest of your family. If your family situation is good, I think a few hundred is ok. I've got a couple of grand in my fun fund and my wife doesn't know but would not care.

 

[InVOLuntary]

I think a lot of people ***** about their spouses because that's what society has kinda conditioned us to do. Think about all the TV shows and movies where a running gag is one person trying to avoid their spouse. I think it's just dmgrsined in some people's subconscious.


Two of my closest guy friends ***** about their wives constantly. It's mostly just petty ****. Nothing really scandalous. I always figure it's just them needing to vent and as far as I know it's nothing they don't say to the wives faces. I'm sure their wives ***** about them too LOL.

My wife is type A and I'm type B so we balance each other out pretty well. Sure there are arguments here and there where she has to blow off a little steam. As for checking phones and stuff... I don't really like her looking at my texts with my buddies because she will take some inside joke out of context and get mad at me for something stupid. However I don't really hide anything because my messages show up on my iMac too so she could check it whenever she wants. I make no effort to conceal that. I've only really looked at hers when it pops up on the lock screen. I've never opened her phone to read a whole text thread to see what she was up to and I don't think she has ever done that to me.

So she's the alpha and you're the beta?

 

[YankeeVol]

I don't know many people that b**** about their significant other that I hang out with.

 

[allvol123]

I think it depends on your personal situation. If your family is barely struggling to meet the bills and everyone in the family is sacrificing, I think having a few hundred hidden away may not be in the best interest of your family. If your family situation is good, I think a few hundred is ok. I've got a couple of grand in my fun fund and my wife doesn't know but would not care.

So why hide if she does not care?

I have no hidden funds and am confused seeing people trying to rationalize it.

 

[Carl Pickens]

Sounds like you got a good lady...

I'm in sort of the same boat where part of me feels like I should tell husband 2 that his wife is cheating. He thinks they've just "grown apart" because that's the story she is trying to sell him.

We're the newest couple to the group and I really don't feel like I should be the one to break it to him. We'll never hang out again, not that he'd be mad at me...he'll just remember me as the guy who told him his wife was a cheater.

The only true friend I feel like I'm letting down is husband 1 because I haven't told him husband 4 hit on his wife...but if I tell him then wife 1 and my wife are not cool anymore.

It's so stupid.

Sounds like husband 4 isn't the kind of guy you'd want to be friends with..... the idea of hitting on another "friend''s" wife is disgusting to me..... even if they are just casual or fringe type friends. I'd keep an eye on that one.
I know what you mean about husband 1..... But my guess is wife 1 was appalled and it's not an issue other than husband 4 being a huge douche

I don't really hide anything from my wife, but there are things I don't go out of my way to tell her. If she questions me I'll tell her the truth.

 

[InVOLuntary]

So why hide if she does not care?

I have no hidden funds and am confused seeing people trying to rationalize it.

Rationalize it? Haha. It's not that it's hidden. It's just money that I have full discretion over. My wife and I have a great relationship. I think whatever I'm doing, I'll keep doing because it's worked for almost 30 years. I think it's very healthy for married couples to have a little bit of a private portion of their lives.