Okay, here is the report, I will not candy coat it.
I walked into the office and the cute blond headed nurse says "follow me"
I get in the back and she instructs me to undress from the waist down, sit up on the table and cover myself with the little paper table cloth.
After I do this she instructs me to lay back. She then takes the table cloth away and places a blue napkin over the marble bag with a round hole cut in it, so the marble bag protrudes out nicely.
She walks over to the sink and whips up some mixture with warm water and then walks over and starts washing the marble bag with the warm mixture, all the while it is just me and her in the room.
She then takes Mr. Johnson and tapes him in an upright position to my lower stomach. She says "I have to do this because they tend to know what is going on and try to get in the way" She then places a sun lamp on him to try and warm things up and convince the twins to come out and play. So far, not bad at all...............................
Then comes Tarzan (I'll explain in a minute) who calls himself the doctor. He begins prodding around and poking. Puts on the rubber gloves and starts to go to work. Unbeknownst to me, Tarzan grabs the right marble and begins tugging. Evidently he wants to see how far they really will stretch. He's tugging and pulling and tugging and pulling, meantime my arse is sucking up the paper sheet that is on the table. One good thing is, I didn't have to put my legs up in the air, I just kinda laid there.
Finally, I'm about to let out a "Hey doc, is it on the floor yet?" and he quits pulling. The pulling itself was not bad, I never got the sensation that my heart was being tugged into the marble bag; it was just the pressure of him using my nad as a tie down strap that really hurt. He proceeds to warn me of the little stick, which was very little indeed, after that side was numb; I didn't feel any of the cutting and stitching, maybe because the throbbing from my crushed testicle took away from the other pain.
Now for the left one. He grabs it in the same fashion and starts tugging on it. This one evidently had seen what had just went on with his twin brother and wanted no part of it. I hear him say to the nurse, He has a really big chord on this side He tugs, and tugs, and tugs and I come to understand what it means to have your nads in a vice. I saw God for a moment, he was laughing. I almost passed out on this one, the cute nurse was kind enough to put a damp towel on my head. By this time I was sweating like Rodney King at a Policeman's Ball. I looked down in time to see him swinging off of it like Tarzan chasing Cheetah through the forest. I just knew this one was crushed.
After he finished pulling, my vision started to come back. Mr. Johnson figured he was next, so he wiggled free from the tape and was doing his best impression of a turtle getting his a$$ whooped in an ice storm under three feet of snow. (I knew the cute little nurse had to be thoroughly impressed)
He stuck it (Marble Sack and Ball Chord) with the needle, snipped and clipped, and stitched it up, none of this did I feel.
He was kind enough to pull me up off the table and his first instructions were to take the paper towel and wipe my butt off? It seems when Tarzan the ape man is swinging off your man berries you tend to sweat a puddle under you.
I kept ice on them for three days, lived off the couch, and faithfully took my pain pills. Now that I am back at work there is soreness and A LOT of bruising, and with the stitches sticking out the sides I look like Franken Sack.
My advice;
Don't pick ANYTHING up from a bending position
Don't bend over.
Keep Ice on It religiously even though you will shrink up to toddler size.
Take ALL of your pain pills on time and take all of them.
The Xanax he gives you to take before the procedure, stick it in your mother in law's arse, it is more effective than taking it yourself, it really does no good.
If you can get a few shots of Crown in before you go, Good, it will calm the urge to choke the living Shiite out of the Doctor as he is crushing your nads.
And in the infamous words of Forrest Gump, thats all I have to say about that
