Orangeslice13, a blessing to those around him…..Again

[VolNExile]

One of the things that came out …..or I realized yesterday is that I tend to help people or am involved in charity type work. This is related to things I’m going through. For example I might be the kinda guy who would make his struggles public so that others who are suffering would also decide to seek help. I’m not sure why I do it. Is it trama response to cope and feel better or concern for my fellow man?
I guess I’m going to get to figure it out because this morning I got this in an email.

“Reminder:Begin to explore the difference between the persona you needed to create in response to trauma vs. the parts of you that are not in response to trauma. “






































I don’t like this very much

Looking in from the outside, as everyone else but you must do, I'm glad or grateful or something that you are choosing to share this. There's such a range of views about what it means to survive sexual and physical (and other) trauma, ranging from the jeers of "snowflake" and "toughen up, buttercup" to "OMG that's devastating you can never be what you would have been it's all ruined forever." It's good to have witness of the true ground in between, both the suffering and the strength.

But, with all that, if you need to dial it back or ration or <no idea what the term would be> this stuff for your own healing, then that's what you do. Period. Floating up another prayer for ya.

 

[Tin Man]

 

[McDad]

You're doing it again. You're in the Israel Palestine thread. You will find antisemitism there. You will be tempted to engage. I think you were advised to not do that.
Be well. Best wishes.

 

[Orangeslice13]

So……after processing a couple days it’s time to play “why is Slice the way he is”.



Fair warning. You may not want to read this.





Background. I’m told this is more common than most realize and everyone feels the same shame I do about it so I hope this helps someone.

Pain. Physical pain. I like it. I don’t necessarily seek it out though some do, but I don’t necessarily avoid it either. When I played sports I became very aggressive. I like the contact and I also like to dish it out. I will gladly take 3 hits to deliver 1. There are times even now when I’m working on a bid that I will go where nobody is around and slap the **** out of myself. I not only like the pain but it focuses me. It sharpens my awareness. It focuses my attention too. It was said when I was training MMA by sparring partners that if you didn’t want to work really hard don’t hit slice in sparing. I started as a child who was very timid and scared of everything and as time went on I put myself in harm’s way as a form of self punishment. That grew into a knowledge that it wasn’t easy to hurt me. Not really. I learned how to turn off serious pain. For example if I were to shoot a finger with a nail gun I acknowledge the pain then turn it down to an enjoyable level and experience. (True story) for me pain is soothing. It’s relaxing and focusing. Right now I have a small cut on my finger and spend some time flicking it with another finger to soothe myself.

I’ve been embarrassed about this as long as I can remember.

I’m of the understanding now that my association with pain is not unhealthy for me as I’m not hurting myself but rather or seeking these injuries out but rather using them to my benefit. I’m actually learning some things about myself and how I can improve myself without having to give up my security blanket (pain) I will need it less and less but as a tool I naturally developed it in a semi healthy way and get to keep it.



It can always be worse but if you have these demons and you don’t understand them then you should definitely speak to someone…..not just anyone……but someone who knows things and will help guide you through the fire.



It’s always better to know that not know.



Shalom Y’all.

 

[Orangeslice13]

Having a good day yesterday and then today….

 

[Tin Man]

Having a good day yesterday and then today….View attachment 656265

Reef the sails, tack closer into the wind. ️

 

[Orangeslice13]

I’m so tired…..

 

[Tin Man]

I’m so tired…..

 

[2EastTnVols]

Hang in there Slice. I don't post a lot but enjoy what you bring to the board and have been following this thread. You and yours have folks praying for you in upper east tn, and you'll get through this. It takes courage to do what you're doing, and you've undoubtedly helped others already by opening up, including myself.

 

[508mikey]

I’m so tired…..

Me too

 

[Orangeslice13]

Hang in there Slice. I don't post a lot but enjoy what you bring to the board and have been following this thread. You and yours have folks praying for you in upper east tn, and you'll get through this. It takes courage to do what you're doing, and you've undoubtedly helped others already by opening up, including myself.

I appreciate the kind words.
I went to heated vinyasa today with the red woman. The instructor is very mental health driven and speaks from proverbs while trying to kill you.
The red woman is amazing and keeping up with her is a good way to work out the depression weakness and anguish.

I’m doing ok right now.
Thanks.

 

[Orangeslice13]

Im having trouble letting go of the hate from the antisemites.
There’s one in particular that all I have to do is post talking to someone else in a thread he plays in and I’ll have him on the hook for days.

I really need to stop that.

 

[BigOrangeMojo]

Im having trouble letting go of the hate from the antisemites.
There’s one in particular that all I have to do is post talking to someone else in a thread he plays in and I’ll have him on the hook for days.

I really need to stop that.

You need to be more specific....

 

[hmanvolfan]

So……after processing a couple days it’s time to play “why is Slice the way he is”.



Fair warning. You may not want to read this.





Background. I’m told this is more common than most realize and everyone feels the same shame I do about it so I hope this helps someone.

Pain. Physical pain. I like it. I don’t necessarily seek it out though some do, but I don’t necessarily avoid it either. When I played sports I became very aggressive. I like the contact and I also like to dish it out. I will gladly take 3 hits to deliver 1. There are times even now when I’m working on a bid that I will go where nobody is around and slap the **** out of myself. I not only like the pain but it focuses me. It sharpens my awareness. It focuses my attention too. It was said when I was training MMA by sparring partners that if you didn’t want to work really hard don’t hit slice in sparing. I started as a child who was very timid and scared of everything and as time went on I put myself in harm’s way as a form of self punishment. That grew into a knowledge that it wasn’t easy to hurt me. Not really. I learned how to turn off serious pain. For example if I were to shoot a finger with a nail gun I acknowledge the pain then turn it down to an enjoyable level and experience. (True story) for me pain is soothing. It’s relaxing and focusing. Right now I have a small cut on my finger and spend some time flicking it with another finger to soothe myself.

I’ve been embarrassed about this as long as I can remember.

I’m of the understanding now that my association with pain is not unhealthy for me as I’m not hurting myself but rather or seeking these injuries out but rather using them to my benefit. I’m actually learning some things about myself and how I can improve myself without having to give up my security blanket (pain) I will need it less and less but as a tool I naturally developed it in a semi healthy way and get to keep it.



It can always be worse but if you have these demons and you don’t understand them then you should definitely speak to someone…..not just anyone……but someone who knows things and will help guide you through the fire.



It’s always better to know that not know.



Shalom Y’all.

You sir should seek professional psychological help.

 

[hmanvolfan]

Im having trouble letting go of the hate from the antisemites.
There’s one in particular that all I have to do is post talking to someone else in a thread he plays in and I’ll have him on the hook for days.

I really need to stop that.

They will surely receive what they have coming one day.

 

[Tin Man]

Im having trouble letting go of the hate from the antisemites.
There’s one in particular that all I have to do is post talking to someone else in a thread he plays in and I’ll have him on the hook for days.

I really need to stop that.

May their children marry Hebrews, take instruction, convert, and join Reform synagogues.

 

[NorCalVol67]

Im having trouble letting go of the hate from the antisemites.
There’s one in particular that all I have to do is post talking to someone else in a thread he plays in and I’ll have him on the hook for days.

I really need to stop that.

F ‘em, they deserve it.

 

[Orangeslice13]

You sir should seek professional psychological help.

Now that you mention it, I go to see Dr M again Monday afternoon. I can’t wait to see what happens this week.

 

[NorCalVol67]

Now that you mention it, I go to see Dr M again Monday afternoon. I can’t wait to see what happens this week.

Painful path to a better place.

 

[Orangeslice13]

Painful path to a better place.

For the first time ever I just did what I was told and put two of them on ignore. Interesting that the one guy I was most convinced was a **** head. Is in fact not a **** head.

 

[Orangeslice13]

Painful path to a better place.

And I’ve come a long way in the last 6 weeks.
This is clearly going to be a long process but I think she may cut me back to once every 2 weeks soon.

I appreciate all you fine people.