Post Your Resume for DC

[iluvsmesumdooley]

1) Only played intramural football in college, but was a dirty goon on a team called The Bastards. Loved taking cheap shots and will instill that virtue in my defense.
2) Got so pissed when Majors came back and ruined an undefeated season by losing to Arky that I ripped off my closet door in my apartment and threw it in the woods. Manager was not impressed, but I feel anger is a motivator on a strong defense.
3) I hate AlaInbred with every fiber of my being and would pull for ISIS over that scum. Hatred is key to defensive success.
4) I will have an effective “tutoring” service for our struggling “student” athletes, and they will be well compensated for their efforts. I will lobby for our school to bring back cheesy majors, especially for our players out on furlough.
5) My bagmen will not have McDonald’s bags during delivery. Gonna be a bit more discreet than that.
6) I will do all of this for 100 grand. Who doesn’t want a cheap, dirty goon for a DC?

 

[Volinnooga]

I am sales manager for the company that makes McDonald’s bags.

When do I start?

 

[Johnnyreb#VFL]

2nd string Defensive end and linebacker when I was 10 and 14. Recently won the super bowl with the bears (mike singletary) on tecmo bowl.

 

[ALLVOL 4LIFE]

Ah, well, I attended Juilliard, I am a graduate of the Harvard Business School, I travel quite extensively, I lived through the Black Plague and I had a pretty good time during that, I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
You think I'm qualified?

 

[mackievol]

This thread has potential to beat out the airplane tracking threads

 

[ALLVOL 4LIFE]

Ok. I’ll take the job. I need room and board for pay in year 1. Then my worth will be determined from the results of year 1.

 

[TJVol95]

Avid Madden player, familiar with most of the roster due to time spent on VN, not really a people person, but I believe my love for McDonald’s could be money on the recruiting trail.

I need to make about 20k this year to pay my mortgage, but if you’ll let me sleep in the office and eat the team meals, I am willing to work for free.

Win

 

[alvinkamara]

I was edumacated in south Hickissippi and am currently marryed to my first kousin.....I can live on $18,357.50/year plus a small gas allowense for my preous....i hates bammer more then i hates my kid bruther and i cin start tomaro

 

[VolsSince78]

• Assistant coach on son’s “coach pitch” baseball team; helped lead team to Second Place (tie) in rebuilding season
• Twice All Intramural at UT (DB and WR)
• Well versed in dangers of Prevent Defense and not covering middle of field from lurking on VN
• Better public speaker than Jeremy Pruitt
• More sincere than Butch Jones
• Will recruit harder than D Dooley
• Will stay awake in coaches meetings
• Not yet convicted of any major felony

 

[Brave Volunteer]

Right now I'd say any resume that starts with "I really want this job" is a qualified candidate.

 

[Vato]

I'm not Pruitt.

You are hired

 

[photovol]

Retired Financial Banker

 

[photovol]

You are hired

Please repeat after me, all right then...... K,
You’re hired

 

[Carl Pickens]

I’m a really sore loser
I think losing sucks
I know you must have big, fast and nasty defensive linemen if you want to be successful
I rather enjoy pummeling the opposing QB and I’m willing to take a 15 yard roughing the passer penalty if the play calls for it.
I’m a tremendous motivator and hype man with an extensive library of vulgar terms to use when the time is right....some of which I created myself

 

[photovol]

I’m a really sore loser
I think losing sucks
I know you must have big, fast and nasty defensive linemen if you want to be successful
I rather enjoy pummeling the opposing QB and I’m willing to take a 15 yard roughing the passer penalty if the play calls for it.
I’m a tremendous motivator and hype man with an extensive library of vulgar terms to use when the time is right....some of which I created myself

The one that gets in the very best 1st punch, increases his odds for victory, substantially

 

[HollowaytoSeivers]

This thread has potential to beat out the airplane tracking threads

And the qualifications of the candidates in question are a helluva lot more interesting.

 

[tnutater]

1 Coached a UTM girls intermural football team to a undefeated season in 1999
2 none of the above applicants stand a chance in NCAA or Madden pick your year and get wrecked son
3 talks trash and will definitely kick Kiffin in the nuts at midfield shake to unite the fan base
4 intern in UTM recruiting office in early 2000s never gave anyone cash in a McDonalds bag
5 Willing to wear orange pants and do other absurd things simply to troll Doolander
6 Already know all the words to Rocky Top and the Maxims
7 F 3rd and Chavis

Good but not good enough.
Your willingness to kick Kiffy in the nuts shows initiative.
However we are really looking for someone who will pat wee little nicky on top of his short little head and muzzle his hair.

 

[VolunteerHillbilly]

Save us all some time give me the buyout now.

 

[Tnman1]

I would hire like 18 guys on this list. Full Volnation Staff.

 

[BIGORANGEBUBBA]

View attachment 351320

My all time number one favorite movie

 

[BIGORANGEBUBBA]

Job objective- get paid
Qualifications- I have a pulse

 

[Gandalf]

Capable of defending the air and the ground at once - Once broke the Bridge of Khazad-dûm to stop a downfield play. Told the rusher that he simply cannot pass.

 

[ITSGR82BATNVOL]

I impress in interviews. Will agree to a 2-3 year contract, with a crazy buy out should I fail. I will proceed to do just that, fail worse than anyone could have imagined, and retire a multi, multi millionaire. I don't know why anyone else would even bother applying. I have all the qualities UT has required for the last decade and counting.

 

[GreyWolf1129]

- I've sailed the Seven Seas. Backwards.
- GMT conforms to me.
- I won the SubLant Sailor of the Year. Two years before I joined the Navy.
- Inspection teams used to ask me how they did.
- Mean Joe Greene has cried on my shoulder.
- Mike Singletary paid me to teach him how to stare.
- Peyton called me to make sure it was okay before he climbed the ladder to lead the band.
- If you re-arrange the letters "Clint Eastwood" and "Chuck Norris", you can almost spell my name.
- I gave General Mattis his bearskin rug. It wasn't dead; I trained it to lay there like that.
- I've been in Neyland Stadium when the stands literally shook. I was the only one there.
- The band plays "Rocky Top" when I open a beer. That's why they're so good at it.
- I don't need the money. Banks ask me for loans.
- Grand Vol would be my Co-DC. You really want some of this?

Go Vols.

 

[Lurkerin]

I’m a bad Defensive choice. But we’re already hiring the other position coaches. So... does it matter?
I’ll be a great Coordinator. I’ve already got a plan for post game snacks.