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"Hi, my name is Grand and I'm coming before you this day to confess to a great problem I have. Much like most other men in this world, I utterly fail at shopping for the lady in my life..."
Is there anything quite in this world, and I mean anything more infuriating, more mentally draining, more challenging and more hated than shopping for a woman?!?!?! So many styles, so many colors (how do they just create new names for colors that already exist? I.E. off white or light gray becomes "natural heather"). This is the time of year we are most vulnerable to making special trips in nifty white jackets while hugging ourselves to the asylum. This is the time of year we contemplate arson as opposed to shopping. This is the time of year we men go slightly insane trying to figure out the subtle clues dropped by the most prized part of our life, our ladies. And this is the time of year all men are utterly clueless and without hope.
GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! So I figured "easy this year, I'm doing my shopping online and shouldn't have a problem." But I was way in over my head. I don't speak the language, I am not up on the styles, and I'm certainly not a good judge of women's clothing. I feel like I have just taken a mission to Mars and am attempting to identify alien artifacts and what purpose they serve. And I am probably not unlike most males in this regard.
So we fish for ideas and more often than not, it turns into the MENSA version of Trivial Pursuit as we try to figure out what she likes. "Hey sweetie, that looks nice...bet you might like something like that and look nice in it"
Followed with "meh..." which immediately translates to "No, not really, you are horrible at picking out your own clothing, much less mine." Okay, got that minor tidbit of womanspeak down. But does it have to be harder than quantum physics to figure out?
Besides the fact women are utterly complicated and have a language all their own that we simple men do not understand, we now are forced to browse through the womens clothing in massed hordes at Christmas time, looking very lost and trying to figure out what would be best for the lady of our lives. And we descend like an army of Genghis Khan on the clothing section, trying to find that perfect gift. We browse, looking at this and that, trying to imagine our loved ones in whatever clothing item we have found. And SIZES?!?!?! Don't ever ask for a size!
"Hey baby, ummm, what size shirt do you wear?"
"Why?"
"Because I asked nicely..."
"Again, why?"
"Because it's Christmas and I was wondering..." (timid voice at this point)
"<sigh> you know it's better if I am with you when picking things out."
Oh, yeah, that makes it so much better! Shopping WITH women is even harder since they (women) have a tendency to look at hundreds of items during their trip. And again, men are simple. We go, find the screwdriver we need, pay for it and leave. We don't browse anything except gun shows, Bass Pro Shop, Lowes and the Craftsman section, well, okay, we will look at other screwdrivers and tools while buying that one #20 Torx bit. But clothing?!?! We wear jeans and cargo pants. Sure, it is socially acceptable to wear blue jeans with a tux, right? In our world, simple is good. Simple is functional. Simple is king. But women's clothing? Not so simple.
So now, you catch the lady of your life looking over an item intently, looking at the stitching, holding it up to see the size, making sure it is long enough. SURE FIRED WINNER! WOO HOO! And you rush back after she is gone and buy it, thinking you are the luckiest guy on the planet. And on Christmas morning, you wait to see her eyes light up at your thoughtfulness. And...
"Thanks, sweetie. It's really nice." (translation = not quite what I was expecting)
"Isn't that the one you were looking at?" (translation = I am now confused)
"Yes, but I didn't expect you to buy it." (translation = I wish you had asked my opinion)
"I thought you liked it, you looked at it for a long time." (translation = Still confused)
"Well, I thought you saw me looking at that other sweater." (translation = next time ask my opinion)
"Which other sweater?" (translation = we are going back for another three hours of looking at clothing and I get more confused)
"The blue one on that clearance rack." (translation = one I looked at for 3.2 seconds while waiting in line to check out)
"I'm sorry, sweetie." (translation = I have failed again)
"No, I like this one too." (translation = okay, it is nice and it's the thought that counts)
"You like the other one as well?" (translation = GIFT IDEA FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS!!!!!!)
"Nah, this one is nice enough. Don't you dare buy me anything else!" (translation = if you do, I will be mad for about two and a half seconds and then be happy you consulted my opinion on the matter)
"Okay, baby." (translation = I'm going to buy it and start the process of confusion all over again)
And the poor sales attendants in the women's clothing are often used and abused by us men with the same questions on our minds "what's the ideal gift for my wife/girlfriend/fiancé?" I know they go home at night and scream about us since we are, by nature, simple creatures who lack any sort of style sense when it comes to women's fashions. By the end of Christmas, the poor sales attendants in the women's section probably hate all other women on the planet since obviously they know best what works on every woman in the world. They have the zip file ready to download on Mrs. Jane Doe who happened to be in the store the day after Thanksgiving and she checked her out.
Guys remember that kind of detail! But sizes? Are you kidding me? Our sizes are limited to #1, 2 and 3 Philips heads. 12, 16 and 20 ounce hammers maybe even a 23 ounce framing for that one time we actually use it and the rest of the time just to say we have it. We remember numbers like .22, .357, .30-30 and some metric like 9mm, 5.56mm and 7.62mm. Other sizes might include "Hand me that 31/64th socket please." Women's sizes? Way more complicated than we are capable of understanding. We have designed a rocket that has traveled to the moon, but we have yet to conquer that mystical universe of what some like to call women's clothing sizes.
"Well, sometimes I wear a 6, but other times I wear an 8. I can get by with a 4 in some things, depends on who makes it and where it is made. But my around the house clothes need to be a 8 unless it's this manufacturer made in Taiwan, not the made in China stuff, but the one plant on Hongway Road in Taipei that they manufactured from 1999 to 2008 before they moved to Shanghai. After that, the sizes got all screwy and it's more like a 6, rather than an 8, but sometimes they make it larger in the 4 which works as well..."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Complicated! Stop! Hurting! Brain! Pick! One! Please!
I know some ladies will say "oh, what rubbish, I'm easy to shop for. Just ask my husband." It's a loaded question along the same lines as "Do I look fat in this?" "Do you think I'm prettier than she is?" "Don't you like my cooking?"
We all know the answers to those questions, just the same as "My husband will tell you I am easy to shop for."
"Yep, she sure is" but the eyes tell a different story. The eyes show signs of pain and suffering, of distraught emotions, the thousand yard stare.
Loaded question ladies, we can't answer that truthfully, especially in your presence. But conversely, we men are far easier to shop for. Include keywords in the name of whatever item you are shopping for.
"Magnum, turbo, professional grade, powered, special edition, et al"
"Honey, I got you a Turbo-Powered Professional Grade Special Magnum Edition leaf blower for Christmas." And all you hear is the guttural, conspiratal laughter as we (men) go forth looking for leaves to blow. And suddenly one sees hurricane force winds as we start moving the neighbors lawn ornaments to the next county and we come back in with large grins on our face. We are simple and big words in product names satisfy us. And even the neighbor isnt mad at losing said ornaments because you gave him a spin with your Turbo-Powered Professional Grade Special Magnum Edition leaf blower.
Honey, why is our cat bald now?
Women? Not so easy to fool with big words, especially at Christmas.
Baby, I got you a turbo powered, contractor grade special edition vacuum!
Suddenly, big words dont sound so hot after you get the look. Apparently you dont think she cleans enough in her mind. Oh, she just keeps a dirty house all the time doesnt she? This is what you think of at Christmas time? Cleaning the house? But it sounded pretty good when you bought it. It looked awesome in the box. You saw the late night infomercial where it was able to suck the paint off a battleship. It was the perfect gift in your mind. And they even have a special deal going on at Christmas with free shipping and a fifteen replacement bags and a 500 foot 1.21 gigawatt magnum extension cord free of charge!
Its a trap! Dont do it! Like a modern day siren song, they lure us in with big words. Any other day of the year it would be perfectly acceptable to replace the vacuum, just not on Christmas or her birthday for that matter and Mothers Day. Okay, three days of the year. The other 362 days are safe.
The moral of the story Dont get distracted by big words when shopping for women.
So this year, my marching orders from the lady friend. "No pink, light green or yellow. Conservative, no hobag clothing." Sounds simple, right? I can't go wrong, right?
Boy was I ever so WRONG!
So is this pink or, well, not really pink, but kind of a purple pink? Does this fit the criteria of "pink" in her world? Is this conservative? Will this size work? Maybe? Will she like this? My brain hurts all so much from trying to figure this out. I want to run out and scream at the people who make my brain hurt! Why did you do this to me?!?! And no jury (of men) in the world would ever convict me once I have my say in court.
Your honor, I was shopping for my wife at Christmas and got confused at the sizes and colors. In a moment of rage, I had an outpouring of emotion and was unable to control my primordial instincts. I'm sorry I torched the patio table set and smashed the yard gnomes with a splitting maul.
"From the police report, it says you also drew horns on the Martha Stewart cut out and called it an evil she-devil for confusing me. Is that correct?"
Yes, your honor, it is correct."
And you were Christmas shopping for your wife?
Yes sir, its that time of year.
"Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. No rehabilitation needed. Case dismissed."
So here I am still trying to determine what works in "her world" as opposed to my male brain of "yeah, that would look nice." And PRICE?! Don't you even dare spend anything on her as she will give you the evil eye at "how much did you pay for this?!" And you defiantly say "it doesn't matter! It was for you!" Which in turn entails the "you shouldn't have" followed by a hug and a kiss. Yes, they are happy with it, but in their (women's) mind, they know precisely eighteen other places you could have found it for cheaper.
But again, we are simple creatures. Hunter, prey-kill, Neanderthal instincts. "See shirt! Like shirt! Buy shirt!" Without so much as a thought of going someplace else to find the same item for three bucks cheaper, we draw out our broadsword and hack away at the crowds to get to that crown jewel we saw. We call in for artillery and air support to get the path cleared for our successful extraction to the checkout counter. And then we pay and happily leave and attempt to find a hiding place until we can get it wrapped. We shop and brave the crowds. We continue to persevere in the face of hostile mobs (a.k.a. bargain shoppers) and work our way through crowded lines. And we do it because we love that complex creature God created called
Woman
To all the ladies, I wish you Merry Christmas.
And to the guys, I wish you Merry Christmas, but also, happy hunting.
Is there anything quite in this world, and I mean anything more infuriating, more mentally draining, more challenging and more hated than shopping for a woman?!?!?! So many styles, so many colors (how do they just create new names for colors that already exist? I.E. off white or light gray becomes "natural heather"). This is the time of year we are most vulnerable to making special trips in nifty white jackets while hugging ourselves to the asylum. This is the time of year we contemplate arson as opposed to shopping. This is the time of year we men go slightly insane trying to figure out the subtle clues dropped by the most prized part of our life, our ladies. And this is the time of year all men are utterly clueless and without hope.
GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! So I figured "easy this year, I'm doing my shopping online and shouldn't have a problem." But I was way in over my head. I don't speak the language, I am not up on the styles, and I'm certainly not a good judge of women's clothing. I feel like I have just taken a mission to Mars and am attempting to identify alien artifacts and what purpose they serve. And I am probably not unlike most males in this regard.
So we fish for ideas and more often than not, it turns into the MENSA version of Trivial Pursuit as we try to figure out what she likes. "Hey sweetie, that looks nice...bet you might like something like that and look nice in it"
Followed with "meh..." which immediately translates to "No, not really, you are horrible at picking out your own clothing, much less mine." Okay, got that minor tidbit of womanspeak down. But does it have to be harder than quantum physics to figure out?
Besides the fact women are utterly complicated and have a language all their own that we simple men do not understand, we now are forced to browse through the womens clothing in massed hordes at Christmas time, looking very lost and trying to figure out what would be best for the lady of our lives. And we descend like an army of Genghis Khan on the clothing section, trying to find that perfect gift. We browse, looking at this and that, trying to imagine our loved ones in whatever clothing item we have found. And SIZES?!?!?! Don't ever ask for a size!
"Hey baby, ummm, what size shirt do you wear?"
"Why?"
"Because I asked nicely..."
"Again, why?"
"Because it's Christmas and I was wondering..." (timid voice at this point)
"<sigh> you know it's better if I am with you when picking things out."
Oh, yeah, that makes it so much better! Shopping WITH women is even harder since they (women) have a tendency to look at hundreds of items during their trip. And again, men are simple. We go, find the screwdriver we need, pay for it and leave. We don't browse anything except gun shows, Bass Pro Shop, Lowes and the Craftsman section, well, okay, we will look at other screwdrivers and tools while buying that one #20 Torx bit. But clothing?!?! We wear jeans and cargo pants. Sure, it is socially acceptable to wear blue jeans with a tux, right? In our world, simple is good. Simple is functional. Simple is king. But women's clothing? Not so simple.
So now, you catch the lady of your life looking over an item intently, looking at the stitching, holding it up to see the size, making sure it is long enough. SURE FIRED WINNER! WOO HOO! And you rush back after she is gone and buy it, thinking you are the luckiest guy on the planet. And on Christmas morning, you wait to see her eyes light up at your thoughtfulness. And...
"Thanks, sweetie. It's really nice." (translation = not quite what I was expecting)
"Isn't that the one you were looking at?" (translation = I am now confused)
"Yes, but I didn't expect you to buy it." (translation = I wish you had asked my opinion)
"I thought you liked it, you looked at it for a long time." (translation = Still confused)
"Well, I thought you saw me looking at that other sweater." (translation = next time ask my opinion)
"Which other sweater?" (translation = we are going back for another three hours of looking at clothing and I get more confused)
"The blue one on that clearance rack." (translation = one I looked at for 3.2 seconds while waiting in line to check out)
"I'm sorry, sweetie." (translation = I have failed again)
"No, I like this one too." (translation = okay, it is nice and it's the thought that counts)
"You like the other one as well?" (translation = GIFT IDEA FOR NEXT CHRISTMAS!!!!!!)
"Nah, this one is nice enough. Don't you dare buy me anything else!" (translation = if you do, I will be mad for about two and a half seconds and then be happy you consulted my opinion on the matter)
"Okay, baby." (translation = I'm going to buy it and start the process of confusion all over again)
And the poor sales attendants in the women's clothing are often used and abused by us men with the same questions on our minds "what's the ideal gift for my wife/girlfriend/fiancé?" I know they go home at night and scream about us since we are, by nature, simple creatures who lack any sort of style sense when it comes to women's fashions. By the end of Christmas, the poor sales attendants in the women's section probably hate all other women on the planet since obviously they know best what works on every woman in the world. They have the zip file ready to download on Mrs. Jane Doe who happened to be in the store the day after Thanksgiving and she checked her out.
Guys remember that kind of detail! But sizes? Are you kidding me? Our sizes are limited to #1, 2 and 3 Philips heads. 12, 16 and 20 ounce hammers maybe even a 23 ounce framing for that one time we actually use it and the rest of the time just to say we have it. We remember numbers like .22, .357, .30-30 and some metric like 9mm, 5.56mm and 7.62mm. Other sizes might include "Hand me that 31/64th socket please." Women's sizes? Way more complicated than we are capable of understanding. We have designed a rocket that has traveled to the moon, but we have yet to conquer that mystical universe of what some like to call women's clothing sizes.
"Well, sometimes I wear a 6, but other times I wear an 8. I can get by with a 4 in some things, depends on who makes it and where it is made. But my around the house clothes need to be a 8 unless it's this manufacturer made in Taiwan, not the made in China stuff, but the one plant on Hongway Road in Taipei that they manufactured from 1999 to 2008 before they moved to Shanghai. After that, the sizes got all screwy and it's more like a 6, rather than an 8, but sometimes they make it larger in the 4 which works as well..."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Complicated! Stop! Hurting! Brain! Pick! One! Please!
I know some ladies will say "oh, what rubbish, I'm easy to shop for. Just ask my husband." It's a loaded question along the same lines as "Do I look fat in this?" "Do you think I'm prettier than she is?" "Don't you like my cooking?"
We all know the answers to those questions, just the same as "My husband will tell you I am easy to shop for."
"Yep, she sure is" but the eyes tell a different story. The eyes show signs of pain and suffering, of distraught emotions, the thousand yard stare.
Loaded question ladies, we can't answer that truthfully, especially in your presence. But conversely, we men are far easier to shop for. Include keywords in the name of whatever item you are shopping for.
"Magnum, turbo, professional grade, powered, special edition, et al"
"Honey, I got you a Turbo-Powered Professional Grade Special Magnum Edition leaf blower for Christmas." And all you hear is the guttural, conspiratal laughter as we (men) go forth looking for leaves to blow. And suddenly one sees hurricane force winds as we start moving the neighbors lawn ornaments to the next county and we come back in with large grins on our face. We are simple and big words in product names satisfy us. And even the neighbor isnt mad at losing said ornaments because you gave him a spin with your Turbo-Powered Professional Grade Special Magnum Edition leaf blower.
Honey, why is our cat bald now?
Women? Not so easy to fool with big words, especially at Christmas.
Baby, I got you a turbo powered, contractor grade special edition vacuum!
Suddenly, big words dont sound so hot after you get the look. Apparently you dont think she cleans enough in her mind. Oh, she just keeps a dirty house all the time doesnt she? This is what you think of at Christmas time? Cleaning the house? But it sounded pretty good when you bought it. It looked awesome in the box. You saw the late night infomercial where it was able to suck the paint off a battleship. It was the perfect gift in your mind. And they even have a special deal going on at Christmas with free shipping and a fifteen replacement bags and a 500 foot 1.21 gigawatt magnum extension cord free of charge!
Its a trap! Dont do it! Like a modern day siren song, they lure us in with big words. Any other day of the year it would be perfectly acceptable to replace the vacuum, just not on Christmas or her birthday for that matter and Mothers Day. Okay, three days of the year. The other 362 days are safe.
The moral of the story Dont get distracted by big words when shopping for women.
So this year, my marching orders from the lady friend. "No pink, light green or yellow. Conservative, no hobag clothing." Sounds simple, right? I can't go wrong, right?
Boy was I ever so WRONG!
So is this pink or, well, not really pink, but kind of a purple pink? Does this fit the criteria of "pink" in her world? Is this conservative? Will this size work? Maybe? Will she like this? My brain hurts all so much from trying to figure this out. I want to run out and scream at the people who make my brain hurt! Why did you do this to me?!?! And no jury (of men) in the world would ever convict me once I have my say in court.
Your honor, I was shopping for my wife at Christmas and got confused at the sizes and colors. In a moment of rage, I had an outpouring of emotion and was unable to control my primordial instincts. I'm sorry I torched the patio table set and smashed the yard gnomes with a splitting maul.
"From the police report, it says you also drew horns on the Martha Stewart cut out and called it an evil she-devil for confusing me. Is that correct?"
Yes, your honor, it is correct."
And you were Christmas shopping for your wife?
Yes sir, its that time of year.
"Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity. No rehabilitation needed. Case dismissed."
So here I am still trying to determine what works in "her world" as opposed to my male brain of "yeah, that would look nice." And PRICE?! Don't you even dare spend anything on her as she will give you the evil eye at "how much did you pay for this?!" And you defiantly say "it doesn't matter! It was for you!" Which in turn entails the "you shouldn't have" followed by a hug and a kiss. Yes, they are happy with it, but in their (women's) mind, they know precisely eighteen other places you could have found it for cheaper.
But again, we are simple creatures. Hunter, prey-kill, Neanderthal instincts. "See shirt! Like shirt! Buy shirt!" Without so much as a thought of going someplace else to find the same item for three bucks cheaper, we draw out our broadsword and hack away at the crowds to get to that crown jewel we saw. We call in for artillery and air support to get the path cleared for our successful extraction to the checkout counter. And then we pay and happily leave and attempt to find a hiding place until we can get it wrapped. We shop and brave the crowds. We continue to persevere in the face of hostile mobs (a.k.a. bargain shoppers) and work our way through crowded lines. And we do it because we love that complex creature God created called
Woman
To all the ladies, I wish you Merry Christmas.
And to the guys, I wish you Merry Christmas, but also, happy hunting.
