Joke thread...............

#1
la.lovesorange

la.lovesorange

Go Vols!!!!!!!
Joined
Feb 15, 2004
Messages
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2
#1
After the Super Bowl was over...............

George W. Bush called the Patriots and complemented them
on a great game.

Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson. :naughty: :naughty: :naughty:
 
#2
#2
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes
his very life into his own hands.


This is a handy guide that should be as common as a
driver's license in the wallet of every husband,
boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.



DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.




DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.




DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.




DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.



Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who

might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning!

***And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.*** ;)


 
#3
#3
WARNING: Bad Michael Jackson Jokes!!! :lol:



> 1. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
> One is white, made of plastic, and is dangerous for children to
play
with. The other one holds groceries.
>
> 2. Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?
> He heard that boy's pants were half off!
>
> 3. Why did Michael Jackson place a call to Boyz to Men?
> He thought it was a delivery service.
>
> 4. What is Michael Jackson's alma mater?
> Bringham Young
>
> 5. How do you know when Michael Jackson has a hot date?
> There's a tricycle in his driveway.
>
> 6. Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his boy scout duties?
> He was up to a pack a day.
>
> 7. What is a perfect 10 for Michael Jackson?
> Two five year olds.
>
> And finally....
>
> The pope said if there is one more molestation allegation against
Michael Jackson, he would have no choice but to make him a priest!! :p
>
>
 
#4
#4
LATEX GLOVES


>A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
>he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on
>his gloves.
>
>"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
>"No, I don't."
>
>"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,
>and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
>dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
>into boxes of the right size."
>
>She didn't crack a smile.
>
>"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
>
>But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
>
>"What's so funny?" he asked.
>
>"I was just envisioning how condoms are made. :p



 
#6
#6
Originally posted by la.lovesorange@Mar 2, 2004 4:47 PM
LATEX GLOVES


>A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so
>he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on
>his gloves.
>
>"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
>
>"No, I don't."
>
>"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex,
>and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,
>dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them
>into boxes of the right size."
>
>She didn't crack a smile.
>
>"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
>
>But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing.
>
>"What's so funny?" he asked.
>
>"I was just envisioning how condoms are made. :p
Click to expand...

Good one! You're on a roll la.
 
#7
#7
Test your IQ with the question below:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself
to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a
blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he
express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
..............
.....................................

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this
wrong please - do not pass go, do not breed, just go dig a hole
and hide!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :withstupid:










 
#8
#8
I have to admit, you got me! :blink: :blink: :blink:

It is late though.
 
#10
#10
these are hilarious la.lovesorange! I have to check in here everyday to see if there are any new ones :lol:
 
#13
#13

A young boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a
> > >farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said
the
> > boy.
> > >His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
> > >Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens,
> > >and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a
cow.
> > >He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for
> > breakfast
> > >and his mother gives him a bowl
> > >of dry cereal.
> > >
> > >"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have
> > >any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw
you
> > kick a
> > >chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the
pig,
> > so
> > >you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the
cow,
> >
> > so
> > >for a week you aren't getting any milk."
> > >
> > >Just then, his father
> > >comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the
kitchen.
> >
> > The
> > >boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going
to
> > tell
> > >him, or should I?" :p :lol:













 
#14
#14
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"


"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within
their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one
 
#15
#15
Why I Fired My Secretary...



Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too good that morning anyway.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday,"

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said,"Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better, someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis an enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.
All were singing Happy Birthday...





And there on the couch I sat...naked.
 
#17
#17


Mrs. Donavon was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up
with Father Rafferty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan & didn't
I marry ye &yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week & I'll light a
candle for ye &yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins & 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!" :lol:

 
#18
#18
An old Cajun was celebrating 92 years on this Earth. He spoke to his toes.

"Hello, der toes!", he said, "how you are, toes? You know, you 92 today. Oh,
de times we've had! Remember when we walk along de bayou wit all dem pretty
girls every Sunday afternoon? Them times we deaux-si-deauxed on de dance
floor wit dem same womens? Oh yeah, ahh-heeee! Happy birthday, toes!"

"Hello, knees," he continued. "How you are, knees? You know you 92 today. Oh, de times we had, huh! Remember when we march in de crawfish parade? Oh
boy, de hurdles we jumped together me and you. Happy birthday, knees!"

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello der Pierre! You little booger
you! If you were alive today, you'd be 92 years old." :lol: :lol: :lol:

:p
 
#19
#19
Jesus walks into a hotel and tosses 3 nails on the counter. "Can you put me up for the night?"
 
#23
#23
One day, in line at the cafeteria, James says to Dennis behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Dennis replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So James deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, James began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and son, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. James hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your son has a cocaine habit. Get him into rehab...

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart
 
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