Joke thread...............

#53
#53
Originally posted by LadyinOrange@Mar 28, 2004 3:48 PM
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: vol_freak
Click to expand...

:bow: :bow: :bow:
 
#55
#55
Butter or Crisco?

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend has a huge penis. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, " I did what you said but my penis has actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "No wonder man, Crisco's shortening!"
 
#57
#57
Walking into the bar, Eddie said to the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one, Henry. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" Henry said, "And how did this one end?"

"It was wild!"... Eddie replied, "but, when it was all over, she
came to me on her hands and knees."

"Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!


:lol:
 
#58
#58
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!". The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
 
#60
#60
Originally posted by la.lovesorange@Mar 31, 2004 10:43 PM
OMG!! :blink: It is funny though!!! :p
Click to expand...

:dunno:
 
#62
#62
Nuns At A Baseball Game

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL
GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN
EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,"I THINK
I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100
NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,"I WANT TO GO
TO MONTANA,THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE
ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET,CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T
YOU GO TO HELL....THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE".
 
#63
#63
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter, when she picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her
not to do that.

"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "everyone knows this stuff. It's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh," she said.

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you FLUNK, you have to be the Daddy."

:p :lol: :lol:
 
#64
#64
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
dollars?

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks
again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again
around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and
starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in
them,....but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or
what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."
 
#65
#65
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town
> >> hall
> >> where a flower show was in progress.
> >>
> >> One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any
> >> fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through
> >> that
> >> stupid flower show!"
> >>
> >>
> >> "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
> >> As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of
> >> her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of
> >> the flower show.
> >>
> >> Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
> >> hall,
> >> followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door
> >> surrounded by a cheering crowd.
> >>
> >> "What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
> >>
> >> "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
> >>
 
#66
#66
Originally posted by la.lovesorange@May 2, 2004 10:15 AM
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter, when she picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her
not to do that.

"Why?"
"Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "everyone knows this stuff. It's on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh," she said.

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you FLUNK, you have to be the Daddy."

:p :lol: :lol:
Click to expand...

:bad: :bad: :bad:
 
#67
#67
Originally posted by rockytops36@May 2, 2004 2:41 PM
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100
dollars?

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks
again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again
around the next block and faces her again: "Would you let me bite your
breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm 10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"

So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and
starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in
them,....but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or
what?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much."
Click to expand...

:lolup: :lolup:
 
#68
#68
Originally posted by vol_freak+May 3, 2004 11:26 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (vol_freak @ May 3, 2004 11:26 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-la.lovesorange@May 2, 2004 10:15 AM
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter, when she picked up
something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her
not to do that.

"Why?"
"Because it&#39;s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs."

At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow&#33; How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "everyone knows this stuff. It&#39;s on
the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don&#39;t let you be a Mommy."
"Oh," she said.

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information.

"Oh, I get it&#33;" she beamed. "Then if you FLUNK, you have to be the Daddy."

:p  :lol:  :lol:
Click to expand...

:bad: :bad: :bad: [/quote]
:neener: :neener: :neener:
 
#69
#69
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
> >drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets
> >up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest
one in
> >the face and says, "I went by your grandma&#39;s house today and I saw her
in
> >the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman&#33;"

> >The biker looks at him and doesn&#39;t say a word. His buddies are
confused,
> >because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

> >The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma
> >and she is good, the best I ever had&#33;"

> >The biker&#39;s buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still
says
> >nothing.

> >The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I&#39;ll tell you
> >something else, boy, your grandma liked it&#33;"

> >At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders,
> looks him square in the eyes and says.........................
> >
> >
> >
> >"Grandpa . Go home, you&#39;re drunk&#33;"
 
#70
#70
Originally posted by rockytops36@May 4, 2004 8:13 PM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
> >drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He
gets
> >up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest
one in
> >the face and says, "I went by your grandma&#39;s house today and I saw her
in
> >the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman&#33;"

> >The biker looks at him and doesn&#39;t say a word. His buddies are
confused,
> >because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

> >The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma
> >and she is good, the best I ever had&#33;"

> >The biker&#39;s buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still
says
> >nothing.

> >The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I&#39;ll tell you
> >something else, boy, your grandma liked it&#33;"

> >At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders,
> looks him square in the eyes and says.........................
> >
> >
> >
> >"Grandpa . Go home, you&#39;re drunk&#33;"
Click to expand...

:haha_oh:
 
#72
#72
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant&#39;s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I&#39;ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter&#39;s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly&#33;" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don&#39;t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 
#75
#75
A woman&#39;s husband dies. He had &#036;20,000 to his name. After everything
is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that
there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had &#036;20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says,
"Well, the funeral cost me &#036;6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory
donation for the church and the organist and all. That was &#036;500 and I spent
another &#036;500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went
for the memorial stone." The friend says, "&#036;12,500 for the memorial stone? My
God, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats."
 
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