Joke thread...............
- Thread starter la.lovesorange
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U-T
Senior Member
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you.'"
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and
said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you.'"
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
TitanVol
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WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool."
la.lovesorange
Go Vols!!!!!!!
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A Joke For Today
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob
is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her
skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained
young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags
under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are
your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
h34r:
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob
is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up
her
skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years,
the
woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman
remained
young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two
problems:
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags
under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are
your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
h34r: 
volmanjr
Just Living the Good Life!
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3 prostitutes are sitting in a bar one morning talking about business the night before. 1st lady says " I got lucky last night and had a doctor, he left me a $50 tip"
2nd lady say " well I had a lawyer and he left me a $100 tip."
3rd lady says " I wasn't lucky at all, I had a farmer... first it was too dry, then it was too wet... then it was too cold , then it was too hot.... then he wanted to wait to pay me when the milk check comes in.... then he wanted me to help him fill out the paperwork to get the government to subsidize it.... then he wouldn't go home till I gave him a free hat!
2nd lady say " well I had a lawyer and he left me a $100 tip."
3rd lady says " I wasn't lucky at all, I had a farmer... first it was too dry, then it was too wet... then it was too cold , then it was too hot.... then he wanted to wait to pay me when the milk check comes in.... then he wanted me to help him fill out the paperwork to get the government to subsidize it.... then he wouldn't go home till I gave him a free hat!
Volstorm
VN GURU
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Not mine, but funny as hell
Q: What's the difference between the KY Wildcats and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game.
Q: How do the Wildcats count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.
Q: What do the KY Wildcats and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q: How do you keep a KY Wildcat out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in the event of a tornado?
A: Commonwealth Stadium. They never get a touchdown there.
Q: What do you call a KY Wildcat with a SEC Football Championship ring?
A: A thief.
Q: What do the KY Wildcats and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: How many KY Wildcats does it takes to win a SEC Football Championship?
A: No one knows and we may never find out.
Q: What do you call 85 people sitting and watching the SEC Football Championship?
A: The Kentucky Wildcats.
Q: What's the difference between the KY Wildcats and the Taliban?
A: The Taliban has a running game.
Q: How do the Wildcats count to 10?
A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10.
Q: What do the KY Wildcats and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"
Q: How do you keep a KY Wildcat out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in the event of a tornado?
A: Commonwealth Stadium. They never get a touchdown there.
Q: What do you call a KY Wildcat with a SEC Football Championship ring?
A: A thief.
Q: What do the KY Wildcats and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Q: How many KY Wildcats does it takes to win a SEC Football Championship?
A: No one knows and we may never find out.
Q: What do you call 85 people sitting and watching the SEC Football Championship?
A: The Kentucky Wildcats.
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