Joke thread...............

#26
#26
Anyone know any Little Johnny jokes? I used to love those.
 
#28
#28
Ok. I thought this was dumb and funny at the same time.

Bear in Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''

The bear replies, ''If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''

The bartender says, ''Go ahead.''

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, ''Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''

''What do mean,'' says the bear. ''I'm not on drugs.''

''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''
 
#29
#29
Eye to Eye

What did the right eye say to the left eye?

Just between you and me. Something smells.

 
#30
#30
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back,
"University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb... :shakeit: ;) :p
 
#31
#31
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother in law. Halfway through their trip the mother-in-law dies. So the guy goes to an undertaker, who explains that they can ship the body home, but it'll cost $5,000. Or they can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.
"We'll ship her home." says the son-in-law.
"Are you sure?" asks the undertaker. "That's an awfully big expense. And I can assure you we do a very nice burial here."
"Look," says the son-in-law, "two thousand years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." :lol:
 
#32
#32
Diary Entry (a husbands)


I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I
never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their
heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just
want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She
explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm
thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to
happen that night, so I went to sleep.


The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I
walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of
them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair
to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a
pair of diamond earrings.



Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one
wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was
almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when
she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."


I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went
completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."



I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of
2008. :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#33
#33
That is the funniest thing I have read in a while. That's GREAT!
 
#35
#35
Finally, a Blonde Guy Joke :p

>> > >
>> > > A blonde guy gets home early from work and
>> > > hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He
>> > > rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
>> > > sweating and panting.
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > "What's up?" he says.
>> > >
>> > > "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
>> > >
>> > > He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
>> > > just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up
>> > > and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your
>> > > closet and he's got no clothes on!"
>> > >
>> > > The guy slams the phone down and storms
>> > > upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife,
>> > > and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
>> > > is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
>> > > closet floor.
>> > >
>> > > "You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my
>> > > wife's having a heart attack and you're running
>> > > around naked scaring the kids!"
 
#37
#37
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends" :shakeit: :lol:
 
#38
#38
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
*And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

:eek: ;) :cool:
 
#39
#39
This teacher asked her students in math class "If I had 3 birds sitting on a wire and you shot 1 off how many would be left"
Suzy was sitting in the front row waving her hand "I know, I know" The teacher says "Ok Suzy what is it"
Suzy says "you would have 2 left"
Well Johnny in the back raises his hand and the teacher says hysitating a little"Yes Johnny"
Johnny says"Actually you wouldn't have any birds left because the sound of the shot would scare them away"
The teacher say"Well yes Johnny, but I was looking for the answer 2, but I like your thinking"
Johnny then says"Well I have a question for you teacher" The teacher thinks a little and hysitately says"Ok Johnny what is it"
Johnny says"I have 3 women sitting on a bench in the park eatting ice cream, ones licking it, ones biting it, and ones sucking it, Which one is married"
The teacher thought about it and says"Well ok I would have to say the one sucking it."
Johnny says"No it's the one with the wedding band on, but I like what your thinking!!" ;)
 
#41
#41
Originally posted by la.lovesorange@Mar 24, 2004 3:35 PM
This teacher asked her students in math class "If I had 3 birds sitting on a wire and you shot 1 off how many would be left"
Suzy was sitting in the front row waving her hand "I know, I know" The teacher says "Ok Suzy what is it"
Suzy says "you would have 2 left"
Well Johnny in the back raises his hand and the teacher says hysitating a little"Yes Johnny"
Johnny says"Actually you wouldn't have any birds left because the sound of the shot would scare them away"
The teacher say"Well yes Johnny, but I was looking for the answer 2, but I like your thinking"
Johnny then says"Well I have a question for you teacher" The teacher thinks a little and hysitately says"Ok Johnny what is it"
Johnny says"I have 3 women sitting on a bench in the park eatting ice cream, ones licking it, ones biting it, and ones sucking it, Which one is married"
The teacher thought about it and says"Well ok I would have to say the one sucking it."
Johnny says"No it's the one with the wedding band on, but I like what your thinking!!" ;)
Click to expand...

Great one! Like I said before, I love little Johnny jokes.
 
#42
#42
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down
and hugged each of the dealers.

With that she picked up all the money and clothes and
quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumb founded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb. ;) :p
 
#43
#43
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot? You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Liberal Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips??
 
#45
#45
>>Confessions of a Groom to be:
>>
>>Dear Abby:
>>
>>I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My
>>fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
>>understanding.
>>
>>She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to
>>go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had
>>expected it to be.
>>
>>When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just
>>under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would
>>be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex
>>with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way
>>said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
>>
>>I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew
>>exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front
>>door
>>...
>>There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He
>>was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good
>>kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he
>>congratulated me on passing their little test.
>>
>>Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought
>>their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I
>>keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was
>>walking out to my car was to get a condom? :lol:
_________________
 
#46
#46
More good ones la! :bow:

You need to change your title to "VolNation's Joke Source" or something. :D
 
#48
#48
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. "What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
#49
#49
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the
street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to
see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me
flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the
big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The red head says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
 
#50
#50
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better I have a 24-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. "What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly
Click to expand...


:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
New posts
You must log in or register to reply here.

VN Store



Back
Top