Joke thread...............

#76
#76
Since we're on a theme...



An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly caught a little scent of heaven- hot chocolate chip cookies. With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man found that his wife was indeed busy baking, and had just laid a fresh pan of cookies on the counter. To weak to even manage a word, instead, with his last ounce of strength, he levered himself on an elbow and reached a quavering claw for a cookie. When he was just a bare inch away, his wife, with the mysterious 6th sense of any good cookie baker, whirled around and smacked him across the back of his hand, exclaiming, "Leave those alone, damn-it, they're for the funeral!"
 
#77
#77
There is this Georgia fan who is married to a Bama fan. He loves her with all of his heart, but just can't get past the fact that she is a Bama fan and therefore, kinda slow. He thinks long and hard, and comes to a decision. As much as he loves the Bulldogs, he loves her more. He decides to become a Tide fan. After many unsuccessful tries, he decides to enlist the aid of a doctor. "Doc, I want to become a Bama fan, how can you do it?" The man asks. "Well, it's quite simple, I just have to remove 1/3 of your brain. Are you sure you want to do this?" the Doctor asks. "I have no other choice." the man says. He wants to have the surgery right away. The doctor begins the procedure. During the operation, his hand slips, and he cuts out too much of the poor Georgia fan's brain. While the man is recuperating, the doctor is pacing around his bedside. The man starts to stir. The doctor rushes over and says "Sir! I'm so sorry, there's been an accident, I mistakenly removed 2/3 of your brain!" The man looks up at the doctor with a big smile on his face and says:

Gooooooo Gators!!!!"

 
#78
#78
Originally posted by LadyinOrange@May 20, 2004 11:14 PM
There is this Georgia fan who is married to a Bama fan. He loves her with all of his heart, but just can't get past the fact that she is a Bama fan and therefore, kinda slow. He thinks long and hard, and comes to a decision. As much as he loves the Bulldogs, he loves her more. He decides to become a Tide fan. After many unsuccessful tries, he decides to enlist the aid of a doctor. "Doc, I want to become a Bama fan, how can you do it?" The man asks. "Well, it's quite simple, I just have to remove 1/3 of your brain. Are you sure you want to do this?" the Doctor asks. "I have no other choice." the man says. He wants to have the surgery right away. The doctor begins the procedure. During the operation, his hand slips, and he cuts out too much of the poor Georgia fan's brain. While the man is recuperating, the doctor is pacing around his bedside. The man starts to stir. The doctor rushes over and says "Sir! I'm so sorry, there's been an accident, I mistakenly removed 2/3 of your brain!" The man looks up at the doctor with a big smile on his face and says:

Gooooooo Gators!!!!"
Click to expand...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#79
#79
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet, and the wagon is being
pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles! "Little Partner",
the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think
you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren." :lol:
 
#81
#81
You may not know that many things have a gender; For example...

1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to
light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female..... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.



 
#82
#82
10) Remote Control -- Female..... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Click to expand...


:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
#84
#84
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very generous and fair of you, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Click to expand...
 
#85
#85
There were two Indians and a blonde fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave.

He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very
closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran
in to the cave.

The blonde fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian
goofy or something.

"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler,
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for
you.

Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave,
then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo!
Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The blonde guy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.

As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger than the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"

Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He
got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over
when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes
and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Blonde Man Run Over By Freight Train!!
 
#87
#87
Ten Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:

Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;

The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.

But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married.

After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story.

A long married couple came upon a wishing well.

The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.

The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,

"It really works!"
 
#88
#88
MAD WIFE DISEASE

He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up Behind
him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.

"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou
written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and
hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."
 
#89
#89
The Hypnotist

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"crap" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
 
#90
#90
Apartment for Rent
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.


Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
 
#92
#92
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


 
#93
#93
Originally posted by rockytops36@Jul 22, 2004 9:09 PM
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Click to expand...

Elderly boobs and erections? That's a traumatic thought!!
 
#94
#94
TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
 
#95
#95
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
L-JOHNY: George!
 
#96
#96
TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
 
#97
#97
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
 
#98
#98
LIO this is for you:

TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
 
#99
#99
Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
L-Johnny : A teacher
 
#100
#100
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
 
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