Bama Jokes!!!!!!!!!

#177
#177
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2005, ALABAMA EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of ALABAMA.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The ALABAMA EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of the band, "Alabama" superimposed over a bottle of Chilton County moonshine.
Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ALABAMA EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset..............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find...............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back...............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop...............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the ALABAMA EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2005:
Tiperiter...............a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers.......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you have received a copy of the ALABAMA EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Billy Joe Gates
 
#179
#179
A tennessee boy and and alabama boy were arguing over weather or not God was from Tennessee or Alabama! They decided if they prayed real hard maybe God would answer them...All the sudden the two boys heard a voice say " yes, children I am". The Alabama boys jumps up and says well that answers it, he's from Tennessee. Confused the Tennessee boy asks how he knows? Cause, if he was from Alabama he'd of said "Yes boys I is, I is.
 
#180
#180
You guys might have missed it in the news, but there was a tragic scene near campus in Tuscaloosa. There was a huge explosion at a nearby manure processing plant. No one was hurt in the initial expolsion, but authorities had to shoot the looters. :birgits_giggle:
 
#183
#183
One foggy night a Vols fan was heading south and a Bama fan was driving
north.

While crossing a narrow bridge they hit each other head-on, mangling both
cars.

The Vols fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I'm lucky to be alive".

Likewise, the Bama fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too, feeling
fortunate to have survived.

The Bama fan walks over to the Vol fan and says, "Hey, man, I
think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live
as friends instead of being rivals."

The Vol fan thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely
right! We should be friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else
survived the wreck." The Vol fan then pops open the trunk of his car and
removes a full undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels Tennessee sippin whiskey.

He says to the Bama fan, "I think this is another sign that we should
toast to our newfound friendship." The Bama fan agrees and grabs the bottle.
After sucking down half of the bottle, the Bama fan hands the bottle
back to the Vols fan and says, "Your turn".

The Vols fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of
the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, "Nah, I think I'll
just wait for the cops to show up."<!-- google_ad_section_end --><!-- / message -->
 
#184
#184
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.

Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!

Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.


Q. How do you get an Alabama student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!
 
#186
#186
You know you attended the University of Alabama if...

your richest relative buys a new home and you have to help him take the wheels off.
you've ever used lard in bed.
you think potted meat on a cracker is an hors d'ouvre.
there's a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
you think a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
less than half your cars run.
your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before she tells the highway patrolman to 'kiss her butt.'
the primary color of your car is "bondo."
directions to your house include the phrase, "turn off the paved road."
you honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and suggestive tongue gestures.
your family tree doesn't fork.
your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school athletic event.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
you think "Volvo" is a part of a woman's body.
the rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
you were conceived in an 18-wheeler at a truck stop on I-20.
you've hitched a ride back to Tuscaloosa in the back of a hog truck; AND, once you got there, no one noticed the smell.
you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
your mother keeps a spit cup on her ironing board.
you've ever worn a t-shirt to a wedding.
the most overheard phrase at your family reunions is, "What're you lookin' at, jerk?"
you think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
you have more than two friends named "Bubba" or "Junior".
your father encouraged you to quit school when there was an opening on the lube rack.
you think "Grapenuts" is a venerial disease.
you think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
you've ever been too drunk to fish.
you grew up thinking cream gravy was a soft drink.
you have a rag for a gas cap.
you had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.
 
#187
#187
What does a 13 year old girl from Bama say during sex? Get off me daddy your crushing my cigarettes!!
 
#193
#193
There was a Tenn. fan, a Georgia fan, and an Alabama fan riding on a bus and it broke down so they decided to walk to their destination. During their walk they became tired and decided to rest for a while. As they were resting they saw a cow backed up to a fence with her tail raised in the air. The Tenn. fan said" Man I wish that was Faith Hill." The Georgia fan said " Man I wish that was Julia Roberts." The Alabama fan said" Man I wish it was dark."
 
#194
#194
A Tennessee Fan is in line at the grocery store and he looks in the basket of the girl in front of him. He says to the girl, You must be an Alabama Grad....Confused she says, Well yes I am, but how did you know that by looking at the items in my basket? The Tennessee fan says, Oh it's not what's in your basket...Your just F***ing ugly!
 
#195
#195
On day Little Peyton the Tennessee fan is sitting in class. His teacher is talking about people with handicapps. She finishes her talk on stuttering and asks the class if they know anyone that stutters? Little Peyton raises his hand and said My moms cat named Bama stutters! Really said the teacher, How do you know your cat stutters? Well, the other day bama ran out the door and turned the corner, and started going PFFF,PPFF,PFFF, and before Bama could say f*** my dog Smokie ate him!

He such a good dog!
 
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#196
#196
Little Phil's sitting in his 1st grade class room and his teacher, a Vols Fan, asks him a question.
Little Phil, she says; "If there are four bama players sitting on the bench and some one shoots one, how many are left? Little Phil says none, 1 is dead and the other 3 pansies run away! Well! the teacher says, the correct answer is 3 but I like your way of thinking!

Little Phil raises his hand and says he has a question for his teacher. He says, You have three hot Vol Moms sitting on a bench eating Ice Cream Cones, the 1st is licking hers lightly around the side, the 2nd is putting the whole thing in her mouth and slowly puling it out and then licking aorund the sides, and the 3rd is biting it from the top down. Which one is Married? The teacher looks suprised and thinks for a minute and says, I guess the 2nd one. Little Phil says the correct answer is the one with a wedding ring, but I like your way of thinking! The teacher passed out!
 
#197
#197
Oh my! This is some funny stuff! Good luck Vols! I hope you beat the imbred (or farm animal) out of Alabama-i-stan!!!
 
#198
#198
A catholic vols fan and a jewish bama fan decide to purchase a car together. They agree that the vol fan will keep it at his house. One day the bama fan is walking over to get the car and sees the vols fan sprinkling the car with water. The bama fan asks, "What are you doing?" and the Vol fan repies "I am blessing the car! " Oh Okay so the bama fan grabs a hack saw and cuts 2 inches off the tail pipe
 
#199
#199
Police Department Test







Maybe your test will be like this one.

I decided to apply to join the Knoxville Tennessee Police department
as a Special Motorcycle Officer.

At the interview the Chief said, 'Your qualifications are
first-class, Tom, but there is one test that you must pass
before I can recruit you.'

Sliding a small bag across the desk, he said, 'take this gun
with 13 bullets, and go out and shoot six Bama fans, six Florida fans
and a rabbit.'

I asked, 'why the rabbit?

Great attitude Tom, You start tomorrow!
 
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